Arrested Hernandez! (6/26/13)

It’s your June Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and, oh daddy, it’s a bad day for Aaron Hernandez.  The New England Patriots’ tight end has been arrested in connection with a man who was killed near (or in) his home last week.  Then, about an hour and a half later, Hernandez was released by the Patriots (via Twitter) because, let’s be honest, it’s tough to have a convicted murderer on your team’s roster.  Not that Hernandez has been convicted of anything yet…but damn, this shit looks bad.  All the surveillance footage in Hernandez’s house was destroyed.  His phone was broken into a million pieces before he gave it to police.  He called a professional cleaning crew over to his home after the victim was killed.  And, quite frankly, he wears his shorts too long.  I mean, look at that photo above.  Those are shorts, people.  Those go beyond being simply “baggy”.  Those are, I hate to say it, thuggy-looking.  If I was on a jury, I’d shout “guilty” at that meat-head just for the fucking shorts.  And why are his arms not in the sleeves of his t-shirt?  Was he doing some sort of weird magic trick when the cops came in to get him?  It’s just all too fucking strange and the Dave Man says, “He did it!”  I know we live in a society where one is innocent until proven guilty, but we also live in a society where some little idiot named Honey Boo Boo could become President if she chose to.  We live in a fucked-up culture and I’m telling you- this Hernandez chap murdered that poor son of a bitch.  Anyway, I’m gonna go have a Steakum and watch Duck Dynasty.  Peace.

-Dave (6/26/13)

The Heat win!! I’m fucked up!! (6/21/13)

It’s your June Twenty-First Davey Mac Report and the Miami Heat are once again NBA champions.  Let’s get that coke, Miami!!  Let’s hit that fuckin’ kibble, dawg!!  Let’s snort some animal blood and fuck some corpses!!  Because a classic, 7-game series was won by LeBron James and company!!

Somewhere Jimmy Buffet is drinking tequila out of the skull of a dead parrot!!

Somewhere Don Johnson is lighting his own ass on fire!!

Somewhere Gloria Eseteban and the Sound Machine are all giving each other hand-jobs!!

Miami is the King of the World!!

Meanwhile, I’m drunk on a Friday night and watching a mini-Newsroom marathon…which…quite frankly…is a fucking HORRIBLE show.  But I’m bored and hammered.  Good night, America!

- Dave (6/21/13)

Game fucking 7, homies!! That’s all we need to say!! That…and also…does anyone have any pot? OK…those two things are all we need to say!! (6/20/13)

It’s your June Twentieth Davey Mac Report, ladies and gentlemen, and in a few moments, we have ourselves a Game 7.  And that’s fucking awesome.  Truly.  As a sports fan, my dick throbs a little when I hear “Game Seven.”  It also throbs when I hear the following:

* Titties

* Free Slurpee Day

* Millennium Falcon

* Liberace

* Puppets

* Cute Animals

* Optimus Prime

* Fart Time

I seriously cannot wait for this game to begin.  If I had a time machine, I’d get in it and zip myself to ten minutes from now which would bring me to…Jimmy Kimmel Live.  Shit.  I mistimed my stupid fucking time machine.  Being 8:13 PM (Eastern Time), the game isn’t due to tip off for another 47 minutes.  I didn’t even get my time machine to the pre-game show with Magic Johnson and Jalen Rose and that white guy who seems to annoy the black guys on the show.  I’m now stuck here in Jimmy Kimmel Land!!  Oh no, he’s putting one of his relatives in a comedy sketch!!  Ahhhhhhhh!!

Anyway, God bless Game 7′s!  And God bless America!!  And now…

…Back to the future!!

…um.  Sorry for this.  But I’ve just been told that the previous sentence in italics has been copyrighted.  It’s a movie or some shit…I don’t…So, in order to avoid a lawsuit…

…Back to the point of time that has yet to occur!!  Peace!!

- Dave (6/20/13)

Thank you all for coming to the Davey Mac Movie-thon!! It was a fucking great night!! (6/19/13)

  Thank you, dogsies, for coming out!!  And to those who didn’t, go screw a duck!!!  Just kidding.  That would not only be inappropriate but it would be downright silly.  Ducks aren’t for fucking.  That’s what my great-uncle Bill told me shortly before he jumped in front of a bus.  Anyway, here are some pics.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have sex with a pigeon.  Uncle Bill never said shit about not humping those cute little fuckers.

Dave and Roy being weird

Dave and Tracy Morgan

Dave and Roy Shaffer on stage

Dave pointing at Tracy Morgan like a creep

Dave is probably high right here

Dave and Roy and either a very tan Pepper or Tracy Morgan…we’re not sure ’cause we’re drunk

Random picture of Dave wearing a turkey hat that has nothing to do with the Movie-thon whatsoever…

Even more random picture of Larry Appleton from “Perfect Strangers”

It’s put up or shut up, LeBron!! You hear that?! Put up or just shut the FUCK up, LeBron!! Yeah!! How ’bout THAT for a fucking headline?!?! Hahahahaha!!! (6/13/13)

It’s your June Thirteenth Davey Mac Report and we have only a few words to say today because we are sick with the shits.  If LeBron James doesn’t stop playing like a pussy and turn it up in Game 4, then not only is this series over, but his fucking legacy will be worse than O.J. Simpson post-Naked Gun 2 and a half and that other little incident that O.J. is famous for.  I think it’s those bad car rental commercials.  Thus far in the NBA Finals, LeBron James (and I’m going to say this very articulately and poignantly) has sucked elephant dicks.  He won’t take any three-pointers, he barely takes two-pointers, he steers entirely clear of the MTV Rock ‘N’ Jock 25-pointer, and won’t even touch the Hunts Pointer.  He looks to be scared.  I am personally calling on LeBron to take over this fucking game (mainly because I predicted the Heat in 7 on Sirius XM Satellite Radio and this man is making me look stupider than I usually am).  LeBron, you better go out there, score 35 points, and lead your team to victory tonight or you will NOT be invited to my birthday party.  Good day.

- Dave (6/13/13)

DRUGS! DRUGS!! DRUGS!!! (6/5/13)

Yes!!  It’s your June Fifth Davey Mac Report and Alex Rodriguez and 19 other Major League-rs are in a world of pain, homie.  The former MVP, along with Ryan Braun, Nelson Cruz, and a whole slew of other shit-heads are looking at huge suspensions in connection with (what else) performance-enhancing drugs.  We’re looking at one whopper of a scandal here, people.  An absolutely piss-drinking, fart-sucking (this is kind of getting sexy) whopper of a drug scandal.  Let’s face it…A-Rod is done.  His once glorious career has now been reduced to a giant puddle of spittle and jizz (this is getting even sexier).  I, for one, am sick of the P.E.D. talk.  But I am NOT sick of all the urine and semen talk that was evident in the preceding sentences.  That shit was sexier than watching my parents fuck.  Yes…in case you were wondering…I go to a psychiatrist quite frequently.

In other news, the Miami Heat have made it back to the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs.  My predictions include:

* The Heat winning in 7 games

* LeBron James averaging 30 points, 9 rebounds a game and taking the Finals MVP

* My dog stealing my roast beef sub at half-time during Game 3 when I absentmindedly leave it on the couch in order to take a piss

* Telling my dog that I never liked her and that she owes me 9 dollars for the sub

* My dog biting me on the face after I yell at her

* My head bleeds while I scream like a baby whose ears have been pulled off because my bitch of a Pomeranian chewed part of my cheek off

* Both me and my dog getting arrested by the police for being drunk

Karl Marl said that his all-time starting five is John Stockton, Oscar Robertson, Scottie Pippen, LeBron James, and Wilt Chamberlain.  Interesting.  Karl Malone left off one guy…you may be familiar with him…um…it’s that guy…MICHAEL FUCKING JORDAN.  Get your damned head out of your ass, Karl!!  Just ’cause Jordan beat you in the Finals TWICE doesn’t mean you should be harboring a grudge!!  Actually…now that I think about it…that’s exactly what it means.  And I guess I can’t blame Karl.  Shit, my Uncle Glen beat me in horse-shoes once and I ended up beating him with a piece of wood and burying his body in our backyard.  I…err…I probably shouldn’t have admitted that just now.

See ya later, friends!!  I have to shit!!

- Dave (6/5/13)

Sean O is having a baby!!! (5/1/13)

It’s a very special May First Davey Mac Report and we here at EastSideDaveCountry shall congratulate our friend, Sean O, who today is having his third baby boy!!  His dick must REALLY be hurting by now!!

Just shitting.  Sean O and his wonderful wife are going into labor today!  As a result, we will not be having our episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) this week due to babies and whatnot!!  We WILL be live on Sirius XM Satellite Radio this Saturday, however, sucking and fucking the night away!!

It seems like just yesterday that I myself had two kids (a boy and a girl)…and BOY does my dick hurt!!

Just shittin’.

I love kids.  What with their little hands and feet and all.  They’re especially fun to roll down a hill in a pillow case while they scream, “HELLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!”

The other great thing about kids is how dumb they are.  I mean, kids barely know how to multiply.  Come to think of it, I barely know how to multiply, also…AND I regularly shit my pants…so I guess kids and me aren’t that different, are we?!?!  Bllaaaarrrrggg!!!!

I remember when my wife was in labor with our first child, our little daughter, and she was having a difficult time…or at least that’s what the nurses told me…I can’t say I saw it first-hand…I was watching the Yankees game while eating a roast beef sub in the waiting room.  Hey, I was hungry…don’t fucking judge me!!!

Babies are cute.  Sometimes I would put little ski masks on my babies and go into a bank and say, “Put all your lollipops in a fucking bag…this is a robbery!!!!”

I like it when kids and small animals fight.  I always put my money on the child, because ferrets have no toughness.  Then again, maybe I shouldn’t tie the ferret’s hands behind his back…that’s not exactly fair.

Anyway, it’s a good day to be an American!!

-Dave (5/1/13)

Buzzer Beat It! No one wants to be defeated! (4/23/13)

It’s your April Twenty-Third Davey Mac Report and Chris Paul has decided that this first round series between his L.A. Clippers and the Memphis Grizzlies is HIS series, daddy…and he’s gonna give it a spanking.  A nice, hard spanking that will sting for days and leave red marks all over its ass and, by God, I just realized I have NO fucking idea what the hell I’m talking about.  This is why I should not mix NyQuil and DayQuil with vodka in the morning.  Anyway, CP3 hit a game-winning buzzer-beater to give the Clippers the win in Game 2 of their series with Memphis, 93 to 91.  While CP3 played extremely well, there was disappointment in R2D’s performance, who fell yet again in the swamp in Dagobah while surfing Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing.  I don’t know what Artoo’s fucking problem is…he should know better that the only person who can properly ride a vehicle is Styles from Teen Wolf when he enjoys going van surfing.  Get your shit together, Artoo, for droid’s sake!!!

The Bulls beat the Nets yesterday, 90 to 82, to tie up that series at one game apiece.  Chicago is trying to win the series despite still being without the services of their former MVP point guard, Derrick Rose, who is still recovering from an injury.  Look, I don’t want to be some kind of tough guy, but Rose has got to step up and get in the fucking game already.  Doctors have cleared him, the team has cleared him, what the shit is he waiting for?  Some sort of magical sign delivered by a giant, golden, basketball-playing cock that tells him, “Derrick, you need to be on the court.  And I need to find a giant, golden pussy that I can play with.”  Is THAT what you’re waiting for, Derrick?  Because giant, golden genitalia members that talk do NOT exist, Derrick!  If that’s what you’re waiting for, you’re gonna be waiting a long fucking time, Derrick!!  You’ll be waiting longer than the time I was on acid and was waiting for a guitar-playing ice cream cake to give me a ride to 7-11!!  That’s a LONG fucking time, Derrick!!

There’s a new Robert Redford-made special on the Discovery channel about the Nixon Watergate scandal called All the President’s Men Revisited, and it fucking rocks, homies.  The special reunites Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the famous journalists who unraveled the Watergate mystery with their legendary book (turned into a Hollywood film), All the President’s Men.  As a top American writer, I strongly advise you taking the time to see this excellent documentary.  I myself am an A-Grade investigative reporter, covering such stories as:

Who Put Poo In My Pillow Case?

The Terrible Truth of Animal Farts

Why Does My Uncle’s Toupee Smell Like Potato Chips When I Put It In The Microwave?

Why Don’t Puppets Talk When I’m Fucking Them?

The Clown Cum Scandals

and many more!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Jersey Mike, whose subs I just fucking love.  Thank you, Jersey Mike!!  I’m not sure if you’re even a real fucking person, but HOT DAMN, your roast beef with extra oil and vinegar is so delicious it makes me jizz!!

Adios, muchachos!!

-Dave (4/23/13)

Hey, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, suck ya later...DICK!!! (4/22/13)

It's your April Twenty-Second Davey Mac Report and one-half of the Boston bombing asshole brothers, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, has been captured by authorities and charged in federal court with conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction (the other half, Dzhokhar's older brother Tamerlan, was shot and killed by police).  My hat is off to the Boston police and the FBI for taking these two dick-noses down.  This act of terror was shocking, disgusting, and evil and I'd personallysign up to be the "Bad Cop" in any kind of "Good Cop/Bad Cop" interrogation routine that may take place with Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.  As part of my technique, I will slam this fucking punk's head into the table not once...not even thrice...but TEN fucking times, a la old school WWF, when one wrestler would repeatedly smash the other's face on the turn-buckle and the crowd would yell out the number that corresponded with the amount of times this concussion-inducing move was used.  Then, I shall let little animals bite Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's dick for ten, maybe fifteen minutes.  Lastly, I'd piss on his face.  Bad cop?  Maybe.  But the Dave Man has some answers to get, daddy, and I ain't holdin' back.

The NBA Playoffs started on Saturday and nothing surprising occurred.  LeBron James and the Heat kicked the Bucks' asses.  The Thunder fucked the shit out of the Rockets.  The Dandelions succumbed to the Weeds.  The Nerf-Herders crushed the Fuzzballs.  The Gobots surprisingly upset the Transformers.  The Poopies defeated the Pee-Pee's.  And the Cocks outlasted the Cums.

Meanwhile, while the Lakers were getting manhandled by the Spurs yesterday, Kobe Bryant was at home, live-tweeting things like:

“Matador Defense on Parker. His penetration is hurting us.”

“Gotta milk Pau in the post right now and D12. Will get good looks from it.”

“Post. Post. Post.”

"Can't wait for the new @JustinBieber album so I can shove it up his ass and pull his tongue out of his fucking mouth."

"Aren't teeth weird?  They're like little chewing rocks somehow glued to your mouth."

"Need to stop smoking medical marijuana."

"My dick hurtz."

"If I were to start a rock band I'd call them The Porks...and we would dress up like piggies while we played."

"Hey folks in the greater L.A. area, anyone know where I can get my rape on?"

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Knicks' J.R. Smith, who won this year's Sixth Man of the Year award.  Smith averaged 18.1 points off the bench and was an energetic catalyst all year long.  Great job, J.R.  In other news, my dog just puked on my slippers.  Seriously.  This is fucking disgusting.

See you later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (4/22/13)

R.I.P., Pat Summerall.......watch your fucking back, John Madden!!! (4/17/13)

It's your April Seventeenth Davey Mac Report and the sports world has lost one of its greatest voices.  Pat Summerall has died at the age of 82.  Summerall was most known as being one half of the greatest football (and possibly sports, in general) broadcasting teams in Summerall & (John) Madden.  When I think of Pat Summerall, I think of being a kid, watching football on a late Sunday afternoon, heading into Sunday evening, with a pot roast and mashed potatoes cooking in the background.  I think of older relatives yelling at the TV at some crazy play that just happened between two great teams (usually from the NFC East).  I also think of wetting my pants while I was brushing my teeth...the horror of Colgate and urine simultaneously running down my legs.  I furthermore think of killing my goldfish Leonard by putting him in the microwave on HIGH for nine minutes.  I lastly think of accidentally farting while serving as an altar boy.  God speed, Pat Summerall!!

Rumor on the street is that Phil Jackson is "itching" to get back into the NBA.  I'm also itching...but mainly for chlamydia parasitic reasons.  I should never take matresses that I find on the street in Hunts Point, Bronx and sleep naked on them while masturbating to I've Got Crabs magazine.

We haven't written an article since last Friday so we should probably spend a second on the Masters...

...Adam Scott won the Masters.

There.

Mike Piazza will act onstage during a performance done by the Miami City Ballet.  Good for Mike.  He's not embarrassed to show that he's a cultured man...a blonde high-lighted, porn mustached, perm hair-do'd, cultured man.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the cast of HBO's Game of Thrones...if you're reading this, cast of Game of Thrones, I fucking love you people...and am seriously considering stalking you...um...forget about that last part...thanks...

Programming note for the Davey Mac Sports Program: this week's online episode will be delayed one day; which means it will be available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes on Thursday night/Friday morning!!!  See ya, homies!

-Dave (4/17/13)