It's your April Twenty-Second Davey Mac Report and one-half of the Boston bombing asshole brothers, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, has been captured by authorities and charged in federal court with conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction (the other half, Dzhokhar's older brother Tamerlan, was shot and killed by police). My hat is off to the Boston police and the FBI for taking these two dick-noses down. This act of terror was shocking, disgusting, and evil and I'd personallysign up to be the "Bad Cop" in any kind of "Good Cop/Bad Cop" interrogation routine that may take place with Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. As part of my technique, I will slam this fucking punk's head into the table not once...not even thrice...but TEN fucking times, a la old school WWF, when one wrestler would repeatedly smash the other's face on the turn-buckle and the crowd would yell out the number that corresponded with the amount of times this concussion-inducing move was used. Then, I shall let little animals bite Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's dick for ten, maybe fifteen minutes. Lastly, I'd piss on his face. Bad cop? Maybe. But the Dave Man has some answers to get, daddy, and I ain't holdin' back.
The NBA Playoffs started on Saturday and nothing surprising occurred. LeBron James and the Heat kicked the Bucks' asses. The Thunder fucked the shit out of the Rockets. The Dandelions succumbed to the Weeds. The Nerf-Herders crushed the Fuzzballs. The Gobots surprisingly upset the Transformers. The Poopies defeated the Pee-Pee's. And the Cocks outlasted the Cums.
Meanwhile, while the Lakers were getting manhandled by the Spurs yesterday, Kobe Bryant was at home, live-tweeting things like:
“Matador Defense on Parker. His penetration is hurting us.”
“Gotta milk Pau in the post right now and D12. Will get good looks from it.”
“Post. Post. Post.”
"Can't wait for the new @JustinBieber album so I can shove it up his ass and pull his tongue out of his fucking mouth."
"Aren't teeth weird? They're like little chewing rocks somehow glued to your mouth."
"Need to stop smoking medical marijuana."
"My dick hurtz."
"If I were to start a rock band I'd call them The Porks...and we would dress up like piggies while we played."
"Hey folks in the greater L.A. area, anyone know where I can get my rape on?"
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Knicks' J.R. Smith, who won this year's Sixth Man of the Year award. Smith averaged 18.1 points off the bench and was an energetic catalyst all year long. Great job, J.R. In other news, my dog just puked on my slippers. Seriously. This is fucking disgusting.
See you later, Dave Pound!