Enjoy these past articles written by the Dave Man! Boom!
Archive of Davey Mac Reports!
Hello, friends and neighbors! This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports! Thanks, homies!
Super Bowl XLVI was fucking awesome. As a Giants fan, I got to see my glorious team once again thwart Tom Brady and his dainty ankles. It was awesome. The event took place in Indianapolis, which I thought did a great job. The police let us drink in public and turned a blind eye when six of us beat a Patriots supporter to an inch of his life for having the audacity to wear a Rob Gronkowski jersey. The Pats fan got what he deserved, Gosh-nabbit. Of course, after the Giants won (21 to 17), I somehow found ESPN's legendary broadcaster, Chris Berman, and bear-hugged him so hard he legitimately said the words, and I quote, "Keep your fucking hands off me." All in all, it was a damned fine day.
I just remembered that Alex Rodriguez has been suspended by MLB for a year and guess what? And I don't want him back!!! I am more than happy with whatever shmizbo the Yankees call up!! Shit, I'd rather see my DICK play third base (warts and all) over A-Rod!! Hey A-Rod, go eat an ass!!!
It's your Sept. 16, 2013 Davey Mac Report and...
...I watched that damned Mayweather-Canelo fight, and shitties did it suck. Floyd Mayweather is the most boring champion in the history of sports. Punch-punch. Run away. Punch-punch. Run away. Repeat this for thirty-six God Damn interminable minutes. Mayweather is like Great Tiger from Mike Tyson's Punchout. Only Mayweather doesn't enter the ring with a tiger...instead, he has a Bieber, which is a far less intimidating but much better at dancing animal.
I liked the
fact that Great Tiger would wear a turban during his matches. You
don't often see boxers sporting Middle Eastern head gear these days.
Plus, whenever the jewel in Great Tiger's hat started blinking, that's
when you punch that mother fucker's lights out. POW! BAM! Shit, if
Mayweather had some sort of blinking light on his fucking forehead
instructing his opponents on when to hit him, I'd bet 40 bucks he'd lose
his next TWO matches. Anyway, I'm gonna go jerk off to old pictures of
Blair from "Fact Of Life." Bye.
It’s your June Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and, oh daddy, it’s a bad day for Aaron Hernandez. The New England Patriots’ tight end has been arrested in connection with a man who was killed near (or in) his home last week. Then, about an hour and a half later, Hernandez was released by the Patriots (via Twitter) because, let’s be honest, it’s tough to have a convicted murderer on your team’s roster. Not that Hernandez has been convicted of anything yet…but damn, this shit looks bad. All the surveillance footage in Hernandez’s house was destroyed. His phone was broken into a million pieces before he gave it to police. He called a professional cleaning crew over to his home after the victim was killed. And, quite frankly, he wears his shorts too long. I mean, look at that photo above. Those are shorts, people. Those go beyond being simply “baggy”. Those are, I hate to say it, thuggy-looking. If I was on a jury, I’d shout “guilty” at that meat-head just for the fucking shorts. And why are his arms not in the sleeves of his t-shirt? Was he doing some sort of weird magic trick when the cops came in to get him? It’s just all too fucking strange and the Dave Man says, “He did it!” I know we live in a society where one is innocent until proven guilty, but we also live in a society where some little idiot named Honey Boo Boo could become President if she chose to. We live in a fucked-up culture and I’m telling you- this Hernandez chap murdered that poor son of a bitch. Anyway, I’m gonna go have a Steakum and watch Duck Dynasty. Peace.
It’s your June Twenty-First Davey Mac Report and the Miami Heat are once again NBA champions. Let’s get that coke, Miami!! Let’s hit that fuckin’ kibble, dawg!! Let’s snort some animal blood and fuck some corpses!! Because a classic, 7-game series was won by LeBron James and company!!
Somewhere Jimmy Buffet is drinking tequila out of the skull of a dead parrot!!
Somewhere Don Johnson is lighting his own ass on fire!!
Somewhere Gloria Eseteban and the Sound Machine are all giving each other hand-jobs!!
Miami is the King of the World!!
Meanwhile, I’m drunk on a Friday night and watching a mini-Newsroom marathon…which…quite frankly…is a fucking HORRIBLE show. But I’m bored and hammered. Good night, America!
- Dave (6/21/13)
Game fucking 7, homies!! That’s all we need to say!! That…and also…does anyone have any pot? OK…those two things are all we need to say!! (6/20/13)
It’s your June Twentieth Davey Mac Report, ladies and gentlemen, and in a few moments, we have ourselves a Game 7. And that’s fucking awesome. Truly. As a sports fan, my dick throbs a little when I hear “Game Seven.” It also throbs when I hear the following:
* Free Slurpee Day
* Millennium Falcon
* Cute Animals
* Optimus Prime
* Fart Time
I seriously cannot wait for this game to begin. If I had a time machine, I’d get in it and zip myself to ten minutes from now which would bring me to…Jimmy Kimmel Live. Shit. I mistimed my stupid fucking time machine. Being 8:13 PM (Eastern Time), the game isn’t due to tip off for another 47 minutes. I didn’t even get my time machine to the pre-game show with Magic Johnson and Jalen Rose and that white guy who seems to annoy the black guys on the show. I’m now stuck here in Jimmy Kimmel Land!! Oh no, he’s putting one of his relatives in a comedy sketch!! Ahhhhhhhh!!
Anyway, God bless Game 7′s! And God bless America!! And now…
…Back to the future!!
…um. Sorry for this. But I’ve just been told that the previous sentence in italics has been copyrighted. It’s a movie or some shit…I don’t…So, in order to avoid a lawsuit…
…Back to the point of time that has yet to occur!! Peace!!
- Dave (6/20/13)
Thank you, dogsies, for coming out!! And to those who didn’t, go screw a duck!!! Just kidding. That would not only be inappropriate but it would be downright silly. Ducks aren’t for fucking. That’s what my great-uncle Bill told me shortly before he jumped in front of a bus. Anyway, here are some pics. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have sex with a pigeon. Uncle Bill never said shit about not humping those cute little fuckers.
Dave and Roy being weird
Dave and Tracy Morgan
Dave and Roy Shaffer on stage
Dave pointing at Tracy Morgan like a creep
Dave is probably high right here
Dave and Roy and either a very tan Pepper or Tracy Morgan…we’re not sure ’cause we’re drunk
Random picture of Dave wearing a turkey hat that has nothing to do with the Movie-thon whatsoever…
Even more random picture of Larry Appleton from “Perfect Strangers”
It’s put up or shut up, LeBron!! You hear that?! Put up or just shut the FUCK up, LeBron!! Yeah!! How ’bout THAT for a fucking headline?!?! Hahahahaha!!! (6/13/13)
It’s your June Thirteenth Davey Mac Report and we have only a few words to say today because we are sick with the shits. If LeBron James doesn’t stop playing like a pussy and turn it up in Game 4, then not only is this series over, but his fucking legacy will be worse than O.J. Simpson post-Naked Gun 2 and a half and that other little incident that O.J. is famous for. I think it’s those bad car rental commercials. Thus far in the NBA Finals, LeBron James (and I’m going to say this very articulately and poignantly) has sucked elephant dicks. He won’t take any three-pointers, he barely takes two-pointers, he steers entirely clear of the MTV Rock ‘N’ Jock 25-pointer, and won’t even touch the Hunts Pointer. He looks to be scared. I am personally calling on LeBron to take over this fucking game (mainly because I predicted the Heat in 7 on Sirius XM Satellite Radio and this man is making me look stupider than I usually am). LeBron, you better go out there, score 35 points, and lead your team to victory tonight or you will NOT be invited to my birthday party. Good day.
- Dave (6/13/13)
Yes!! It’s your June Fifth Davey Mac Report and Alex Rodriguez and 19 other Major League-rs are in a world of pain, homie. The former MVP, along with Ryan Braun, Nelson Cruz, and a whole slew of other shit-heads are looking at huge suspensions in connection with (what else) performance-enhancing drugs. We’re looking at one whopper of a scandal here, people. An absolutely piss-drinking, fart-sucking (this is kind of getting sexy) whopper of a drug scandal. Let’s face it…A-Rod is done. His once glorious career has now been reduced to a giant puddle of spittle and jizz (this is getting even sexier). I, for one, am sick of the P.E.D. talk. But I am NOT sick of all the urine and semen talk that was evident in the preceding sentences. That shit was sexier than watching my parents fuck. Yes…in case you were wondering…I go to a psychiatrist quite frequently.
In other news, the Miami Heat have made it back to the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs. My predictions include:
* The Heat winning in 7 games
* LeBron James averaging 30 points, 9 rebounds a game and taking the Finals MVP
* My dog stealing my roast beef sub at half-time during Game 3 when I absentmindedly leave it on the couch in order to take a piss
* Telling my dog that I never liked her and that she owes me 9 dollars for the sub
* My dog biting me on the face after I yell at her
* My head bleeds while I scream like a baby whose ears have been pulled off because my bitch of a Pomeranian chewed part of my cheek off
* Both me and my dog getting arrested by the police for being drunk
Karl Marl said that his all-time starting five is John Stockton, Oscar Robertson, Scottie Pippen, LeBron James, and Wilt Chamberlain. Interesting. Karl Malone left off one guy…you may be familiar with him…um…it’s that guy…MICHAEL FUCKING JORDAN. Get your damned head out of your ass, Karl!! Just ’cause Jordan beat you in the Finals TWICE doesn’t mean you should be harboring a grudge!! Actually…now that I think about it…that’s exactly what it means. And I guess I can’t blame Karl. Shit, my Uncle Glen beat me in horse-shoes once and I ended up beating him with a piece of wood and burying his body in our backyard. I…err…I probably shouldn’t have admitted that just now.
See ya later, friends!! I have to shit!!
- Dave (6/5/13)