It’s your April Twenty-Third Davey Mac Report and Chris Paul has decided that this first round series between his L.A. Clippers and the Memphis Grizzlies is HIS series, daddy…and he’s gonna give it a spanking. A nice, hard spanking that will sting for days and leave red marks all over its ass and, by God, I just realized I have NO fucking idea what the hell I’m talking about. This is why I should not mix NyQuil and DayQuil with vodka in the morning. Anyway, CP3 hit a game-winning buzzer-beater to give the Clippers the win in Game 2 of their series with Memphis, 93 to 91. While CP3 played extremely well, there was disappointment in R2D’s performance, who fell yet again in the swamp in Dagobah while surfing Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing. I don’t know what Artoo’s fucking problem is…he should know better that the only person who can properly ride a vehicle is Styles from Teen Wolf when he enjoys going van surfing. Get your shit together, Artoo, for droid’s sake!!!
The Bulls beat the Nets yesterday, 90 to 82, to tie up that series at one game apiece. Chicago is trying to win the series despite still being without the services of their former MVP point guard, Derrick Rose, who is still recovering from an injury. Look, I don’t want to be some kind of tough guy, but Rose has got to step up and get in the fucking game already. Doctors have cleared him, the team has cleared him, what the shit is he waiting for? Some sort of magical sign delivered by a giant, golden, basketball-playing cock that tells him, “Derrick, you need to be on the court. And I need to find a giant, golden pussy that I can play with.” Is THAT what you’re waiting for, Derrick? Because giant, golden genitalia members that talk do NOT exist, Derrick! If that’s what you’re waiting for, you’re gonna be waiting a long fucking time, Derrick!! You’ll be waiting longer than the time I was on acid and was waiting for a guitar-playing ice cream cake to give me a ride to 7-11!! That’s a LONG fucking time, Derrick!!
There’s a new Robert Redford-made special on the Discovery channel about the Nixon Watergate scandal called All the President’s Men Revisited, and it fucking rocks, homies. The special reunites Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the famous journalists who unraveled the Watergate mystery with their legendary book (turned into a Hollywood film), All the President’s Men. As a top American writer, I strongly advise you taking the time to see this excellent documentary. I myself am an A-Grade investigative reporter, covering such stories as:
Who Put Poo In My Pillow Case?
The Terrible Truth of Animal Farts
Why Does My Uncle’s Toupee Smell Like Potato Chips When I Put It In The Microwave?
Why Don’t Puppets Talk When I’m Fucking Them?
The Clown Cum Scandals
and many more!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Jersey Mike, whose subs I just fucking love. Thank you, Jersey Mike!! I’m not sure if you’re even a real fucking person, but HOT DAMN, your roast beef with extra oil and vinegar is so delicious it makes me jizz!!