Yes!! It’s your June Fifth Davey Mac Report and Alex Rodriguez and 19 other Major League-rs are in a world of pain, homie. The former MVP, along with Ryan Braun, Nelson Cruz, and a whole slew of other shit-heads are looking at huge suspensions in connection with (what else) performance-enhancing drugs. We’re looking at one whopper of a scandal here, people. An absolutely piss-drinking, fart-sucking (this is kind of getting sexy) whopper of a drug scandal. Let’s face it…A-Rod is done. His once glorious career has now been reduced to a giant puddle of spittle and jizz (this is getting even sexier). I, for one, am sick of the P.E.D. talk. But I am NOT sick of all the urine and semen talk that was evident in the preceding sentences. That shit was sexier than watching my parents fuck. Yes…in case you were wondering…I go to a psychiatrist quite frequently.
In other news, the Miami Heat have made it back to the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs. My predictions include:
* The Heat winning in 7 games
* LeBron James averaging 30 points, 9 rebounds a game and taking the Finals MVP
* My dog stealing my roast beef sub at half-time during Game 3 when I absentmindedly leave it on the couch in order to take a piss
* Telling my dog that I never liked her and that she owes me 9 dollars for the sub
* My dog biting me on the face after I yell at her
* My head bleeds while I scream like a baby whose ears have been pulled off because my bitch of a Pomeranian chewed part of my cheek off
* Both me and my dog getting arrested by the police for being drunk
Karl Marl said that his all-time starting five is John Stockton, Oscar Robertson, Scottie Pippen, LeBron James, and Wilt Chamberlain. Interesting. Karl Malone left off one guy…you may be familiar with him…um…it’s that guy…MICHAEL FUCKING JORDAN. Get your damned head out of your ass, Karl!! Just ’cause Jordan beat you in the Finals TWICE doesn’t mean you should be harboring a grudge!! Actually…now that I think about it…that’s exactly what it means. And I guess I can’t blame Karl. Shit, my Uncle Glen beat me in horse-shoes once and I ended up beating him with a piece of wood and burying his body in our backyard. I…err…I probably shouldn’t have admitted that just now.
See ya later, friends!! I have to shit!!
- Dave (6/5/13)