Fight! Fight!! Fight!!! (4/12/13)

It’s your April Twelfth Davey Mac Report and we have ourselves our first bench-clearing brawl, babies!!  After getting hit by Dodgers pitcher Zack Greinke, Padres slugger Carlos Quentin charged the mound, starting a baseball battle that would have put most Wrestlemania’s to shame!!  Greinke ended up breaking his collar bone in the melee.  Dodgers manager Don Mattingly called Quentin “stupid.”  And L.A. outfielder Matt Kemp nearly got into a fight with Quentin in the parking lot.  Now THIS is baseball, my friends!!  Let’s take out our dicks and piss on each other!!  Let’s get some hot dogs and beer and force them down the throats of coma patients!!  Let’s dress up as baseball mascots and rob a bank!!  Let’s capture Pete Rose and tie him to a chair and cut off his ear while “Stuck In The Middle With You” plays in the background!!  Let’s FUCK, daddy, it’s BASEBALL season!!

Meanwhile, the Masters has begun.  Tiger Woods is four strokes back at -2 (Marc Leishman and Sergio Garcia are tied at -6).  I have to say, I fucking lovethe Masters.  My plans for Sunday include parking my translucent, almost ghost-like ass on the couch and watching the final round of the Masters for six straight hours.  Then, my plans are to go into the Smoke Zone and enjoy some marijuana.  THEN, my plans are to play my Simon & Garfunkel Live In Central Park DVD and say out loud that “I wish I could have seen that concert.  Hey, we should get some beer.”  And THENmy plans include me realizing that there was no one else in the room while I was speaking, and that in fact I was talking to a puppet.  And puppets, dear readers, CANNOT buy beer…they don’t even carry wallets, as far as I know…

The Knicks had their 14-game win streak broken by the Bulls last night (who also ended the Heat’s 27-game win streak).  Chicago beat New York in overtime- 118 to 111.  I’ll tell you this- do NOT be surprised if the Bulls shock teams throughout the playoffs this year (most notably Miami), and make their way to the Finals.  Also, do NOT be surprised if you see me in the Port Authority bus terminal, passed out on the bathroom floor, with poop somehow coming out of my ears, and someone having scribbled fart-face on my forehead, while teenagers take pictures of me and put those pics on the website Red-Headed-Fart-Faces.com.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former NFL quarterback Jeff Garica, who slammed Tim Tebow and the Jets yesterday.  When asked about what the Jets should do with Tebow, Garcia said:  “Having Tebow there doesn’t bring anything positive. It just brings distraction.”  Bam!!  Tim Tebow, you just been slammed by Jeff Garcia!!  Tebow, for his part, did have a rebuttal:  “I’m against abortion in most cases…but I wish Jeff Garcia’s mom had taken an old, rusty pair of scissors and spiked herself in the pussy when Garica was a fetus.  Is that too harsh?  Maybe.  But Tebow says what Tebow says.  Also, I wish Garcia was eaten by squirrels.”

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!!  Peace!!

-Dave (4/12/13)

Louisville Vs. Michigan is TONIGHT!! (4/8/13)

It’s your April Eighth Davey Mac Report and tonight is the NCAA Championship Game, dogsies, and we are as excited as a fart coming out of a butt.  Louisville goes against Michigan for all the marbles, daddy.  Personally, I’m pulling for Coach Pitino because I loved his performance as Phil Spector in that new HBO movie.  It was awesome when Pitino was talking about producing John Lennon’s songs and shit.  But, I’m still not sure that I believe Pitino when he said he didn’t shoot that woman.  Oh…and also…I really liked Pitino as Big Boy in Dick Tracy.

I will say this- it is a very good omen for Pitino that on the day that his team is playing in the National Championship, he has also been inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame.  If Louisville wins tonight, that will be one HECK of a day for Pitino.  Pardon my French.  That kind of language was uncalled for.  I should have said, “Tonight will be one jizz-slurp of a cum-tastic dick for Rick Pitino.”  That’s better.

Another question that shall arise for this evening’s game is, “Will Chris Webber be in the building?”  It is twenty years since Weber’s Fab Five Michigan team lost the championship to North Carolina after Webber called a timeout when his team had zero timeouts left.  The mental error resulted in a technical foul that sealed up the game for Carolina.  Webber has tried to distance himself from his infamous mistake by not doing interviews about the play nor appearing anywhere with the rest of the Fab Five.  I, for one, think he should be there tonight.  Though, in full disclosure, I do not always give the best advice.  After all, I’m the same guy who convinced my friend Bucky to put a nail in his dick-hole, talked Shelley Long into leaving Cheers, and got Gordon Ramsay to put a dish on his menu called “Dave’s Pubes.”

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to The Cuertos, my phenomenal rock band, who played on my show at Sirius XM Satellite Radio this past Saturday and fucking KILLED it.  The episode is available in the Sirius XM On Demand section, so check it out!!  In the meantime, I’m gonna shit.  Adios!!

-Dave (4/8/13)

Rice gets over-cooked and thrown in the garbage and eaten by wild squirrels and shit out!! (4/3/13)

It’s your April Third Davey Mac Report and Rutgers men’s basketball coach, Mike Rice, has been fired after a video emerged and was aired on ESPN of Rice throwing basketballs at players, as well as shoving and kicking them.  In addition to that, Rice also called his own players “faggots”, among other derogatory names.  This guy is obviously a fucking asshole.  Not only is his behavior reprehensible, but is he not aware that his practices are fucking filmed?!  And that those films are evidence?!  What a damned jack-off!!  That’s the same shit that Richard Nixon egotistically ignored when he was President.  While throwing around the N-word and “Jew York City”, Nixon forgot that every conversation in the Oval Office was being recordedfor fuck’s sake!!  How stupid are these two dick-noses?!  Rule number one in Cock-Face Behavior:  if you’re going to act like a fart-head, make sure you’re not being captured on film or audio tape, you fucking idiots!!  Geez, Louise!!

Shaquille O’Neal had his number 34 retired by the Lakers on Tuesday…and used that occasion to go after Dwight Howard, saying that Howard needs to “step” up, and that Howard getting 18 points a game is “not enough”, in Shaq’s opinion.  Bam!!  Slam!!  Glam!!  Jam!!  Let’s be honest, Shaq HATES Dwight Howard the way I hate Ewoks.  What with their little hands and trying to barbecue Han Solo, which was totally uncool.  Also, the fact that they are so dim that they stupidly think that C-3P0 is a fucking god, shows you what kind of retarded fucking species those assholes are.  Fuck ‘em.

I was viewing some baseball the other day and realize that Vin Scully is one of the top ten greatest people that Major League Baseball has ever produced.  He was broadcasting the Dodgers-Giants game that I was watching and at the age of 85, Scully still calls a game more beautifully than any other human on the planet.  The man IS baseball, for crying out loud.  I wish I could be that defined with one thing in life.  I suppose I would make top ten lists for greatest pants-shitters…or people most likely to put their dick on a cactus…or guys who like to lick strangers’ necks on the subway…but those aren’t exactly titles to brag about…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to ME.  I fucking deserve it and don’t you argue with me.

See you guys later!  This week’s episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) is NOW up on on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Check it out!!  For FREE!!

-Dave (4/3/13)

It’s Opening Day!! Let’s drink some beers and irrationally yell at the television!! (4/1/13)

It’s your April First Davey Mac Report and FUCK YEAH!  It’s Opening Day, bitches!!  Major League Baseball is back (as opposed to Puppet League Baseball and/or Cum-Dragon Baseball), and we are as excited as Matt Lauer at a Glib Convention. Right off the bat, the Yankees and Red Sox are playing in what could possibly be the Rivalry To Stay Out Of Last Place In The A.L. East.  I’m not a pessimistic Yankees fan, but I think my team may very well have their worst season in years, and they will also probably get a strange case of baseball chlamydia, and most likely could get mangled in some horrific Yankee Train derailment disaster.  Now that I think about it, maybe I AMa pessimistic Yankees fan…and a pretty shit-stained one at that!!

Damn, do I love Opening Day.  Maybe not as much as crushing grapes with my dick, but I DO love Opening Day.  It’s the one time of year where everyone gets a fresh start.  And the Lord knows I sure could use a fresh start.  Especially after I allegedly “assaulted” a third-rate Phillie Phanatic that was at my local mall.  What can I say, I was drunk…and I wanted to see how many Twizzlers I could fit in that green freak’s weird nose-mouth.  Fuck it.

But alas, it’s not all about baseball, my friends!  Michigan, Syracuse, Louisville, and Wichita State have all advanced in the NCAA Tournament.  Who did notadvance?  Vomit Tech and Fart University…mainly because no schools of those names exist.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Louisville player Kevin Ware who suffered a horrible injury yesterday in Louisville’s win against Duke.  Ware jumped up, and when he came down, the mother-fucking bone popped out of his leg!!  Damn!!  As he was being carted off the court, he told his team-mates, “Just win the game.”  That guy takes pain extremely well…much better than me, in fact.  I remember once hitting my shin on the coffee table and I exclaimed to everyone in the room that I was gonna “disfigure them with sulfuric acid.”  My elderly Aunt Francine was particularly upset at that…and banned me from all future Thanksgivings.

Have a great day, homies!!

-Dave (4/1/13)

Dave and Earl were on the Ron & Fez Show! THAT’S your fucking report for today!! (3/29/13)

Yeah! It’s your March 29th Davey Mac Report and Davey Mac and Earl Douglas reunited on the Ron & Fez Show!  We had a blast!!  Homies fought!!  Peeps battled!!  And LOVE was spread!!  And that’s all you need to know!!  Listen to the Ron & Fez Show, Mondays through Fridays on Sirius 206/XM 105 (the Opie & Anthony Channel)!!  Peace, fuckers!!

We’ll see you Saturday on Sirius XM for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  Sirius 206/XM 105, at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  Adios!!

-Dave (3/29/13)

The Heat are the best thing to come out of Miami since Gloria Estefan and her shitty band!! (3/26/13)

It’s your March Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and damn these Miami Heat mother-fuckers are good.  They’ve now won 27 straight games, just six away from the record of 33 held by the 1971-72 Lakers.  A part of me hopes that they get it.  It would be interesting to talk about.  Another part of me hopes that they crash and burn at 32 games.  That would be fun, too.  Still another part of me wishes that I had a little human growing out of my left shoulder who I would call Spike.  He could give me little pieces of advice and tell me if traffic is clear when I’m making a left turn.  Yet another part of me hopes that someday, we’ll be able to make robots who specialize in bathing humans…because taking a shower is a real pain in the ass.  A further part of me feels that if aliens ever invade the earth, maybe I can make myself some kind of male-human-sex-slave and have it filmed for a reality show on Bravo called The Real Human-Whore Of New Jersey.  And a final part of me concurs with my puppet Floyd that I need to stop smoking marijuana before writing this shit.

By winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational yesterday (his third victory this year), Tiger Woods is once again ranked number one in the world.  That’s much better than being number twoin the world…because that sounds like you’re ranked as “shit.”  After all, that’s what number two means- POOP.  I guess the phrase “number two” is also equal to a “curve ball” in baseball…but that always sounds like “poo ball” to me…which is why the curve ball is also called the “deuce.”  That’s a lot of shit in professional sports.  It’s downright disgusting.  Actually, no, that’s not the part that’s disgusting…what’s disgusting is as I’m writing this, my dog is eating my toddler’s dirty diaper.

I’m jonesing for some March Madness right now.  We have to wait until Thursday when the tournament resumes with the Sweet 16.  Until then, I guess I’ll just do my same routine on non-sports days-

* Watch old Game of Thrones episodes and masturbate

* Make a bowl of microwave popcorn and jerk off on it

* Clean the garage and spank it on the air hockey table

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bob Dylan.  Yeah, I said it.  I recently purchased the ground-breaking D.A. Pennebaker Dylan documentary, Don’t Look Back, on Blu Ray and I’ve been in hog heaven…which is a weird phrase that actually, the more I think about it, disturbs me greatly.  I mean, if I somehow make it to Heaven, and there is nothing but hogs there, I’ll shit.

Hasta la vista, muchachos!!

-Dave (3/26/13)

Florida Gulf Coast wins! …………who?!?! (3/25/13)

It’s your March Twenty-Fifth Davey Mac Report and some school called Florida Gulf Coast University is the Cinderella darling of the NCAA Tournament by becoming the first 15-seed in history to advance to the Sweet 16 (they defeated San Diego State yesterday, 81 to 71).  The school, in fact, has only been around since 1997. Shit!!  That, my friends, is a young college!!  I mean, you know your school is young when it wasn’t even around when Kurt Cobain blew his head off!!

Audience:  Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Davey Mac:  Thank you, thank you!!  I mean, it’s like…that school is so young they probably wouldn’t even remember the son of a shittin’ Tracey Ullman Show!!!!

Audience:  Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Davey Mac:  Hahaha, right?! It’s like, Florida Gulf Coast is so damned young, they probably don’t even know who the fuck Hitlerwas!!!

Audience: …………….

Davey Mac:  …you know…’cause the university wasn’t around in the ’40′s and…

Audience: …………….

Davey Mac:  …listen…I’m sorry…I’m just really drunk is all…

The other major upset was 9-seed Wichita State taking down number-one-seeded Gonzaga- 76 to 70.  Afterwards, Wichita St. was treated to a special post-game speech on the team bus by…Tim Fucking Tebow.  Noooooooo!!!!!  We in the sports media had gone two or three fucking months without saying the word “Tebow” and now all that hard work has been ruined!!  Additionally, it was reported that Tebow was wearing a pink sweater.  Noooooo!!!  We’re STILL talking about Tebow AND we’re giving shitty details about him!!!  Finally, sources say that Tebow also had a tie and an un-tucked shirt on.  Noooooooo!!!!  Oh god, we’ve been Tebowed!!!  Where’s a fucking gun?!?!

Some big names have advanced, of course.  I’m trying to remember them all, but I’m a little high right now.  Let’s see…I know Louisville is still in….let me just hit this pot for a second…and Kansas is still alive…I think…um…uh…and Indiana has advanced…I am so high I could use some crackers…lastly…the other big names to make it to the Sweet 16 (I think) are: Duke, Andre the Giant, man these fucking crackers are good, the Balrog who killed Gandalf, the Smoke Monster from Lost, I wish I could marry crackers, Darth Vader, and Godzilla.  Yes.  Yes it’s true…I’m really high right now.  So be it.  More crackers, please.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented crackers…for obvious reasons…

See ya later, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (3/25/13)

Boy oh boy, Harvard!!! (3/22/13)

 

It’s your March Twenty-Second Davey Mac Report and March Madness is here and it’s already fucking up our bracket, dawgs!!  One of the biggest upsets occurred when the privileged White Boy Team (no, not Duke) beat New Mexico, 68 to 62.  That’s right, Harvard (a number 14 seed) took down the Lobos (a three seed) yesterday.  I would feel good for this rag-tag group of basketball-playing underdogs…except for the fact that the kids on the squad go to fucking Harvard and their lives are already on Easy Street!!  I mean, come on, can we really call anyone from an Ivy League a “Cinderella Team”?!  Well, maybe we could call Brown that…but honestly, we don’t even know where Brown is.  Brown is the Shit College of Ivy League schools.  That’s why it’s called Brown.  Because, my friends, that is the color of shit.  Brown.

Number-one seeded Gonzaga barely escaped a huge upset by defeating #16 Southern University, 64 to 58.  I like Gonazag’s big man, Kelly Olynyk, the guy with the long hair and head-band.  He sort of reminds me of the lead singer of Stillwater.  It’d be cool if after Olynyk dunked the ball, he broke out into a rendition of “Fever Dog”.  I just hope Olynyk can finally set aside his jealousy for guitarist Russell.  I know you’re the front man, Kelly, but dammit, Russell is the fucking band-leader!!  Whether you like it or not, punk!!!

A bunch of other shit happened in the college tournament including:

* PCU going on probation because of Jeremy Piven’s house party

* Faber exploding because of a bomb accidentally detonated by Flounder

* I once threw up on a Christmas tree at Fordham

* University of Louisiana water-boy Bobby Boucher was paralyzed after slipping on some ice

* And Dick Tech jizzed on Titty State

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the CBS-TNT-TBS-Tru TV connection of networks who are covering all of the March Madness action.  I actually think they’re doing a great job…that is…except for that fucking Citi Bank commercial that is played CONSTANTLY!!  We get it- somebody left the fucking gate open!!!  ENOUGH!!!

See you guys Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!  LIVE at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific, on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!!  Peace!!

- Dave (3/22/13)

LeBron James to the Celtics- “Suck it, assholes. Suck it hard.” (3/19/13)

 

It’s your March Nineteenth Davey Mac Report and LeBron James rode into Boston last night, poster-ized Jason Terry, erased a 17-point deficit, and hit the eventual game-winner as the Heat won their 23rd straight contest by beating the Celtics, 105 to 103.  This streak is now starting to get interesting.  In fact, dare I say with the wonderful NCAA Tournament and March Madness nearly upon us, the Heat have put the Sports World Spotlight squarely on Miami.  Which is better than when Tony Montana put the Coke War Spotlight squarely on Miami.  And it’s far better than when Jimmy Bugget put the Giant Parrot Head on Miami.  But it’s not as good as when Ace Vetura put the Pet Detective Sign on Miami…that was pretty cool.

Whoa!  We’ve got some hot, breaking news!  Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn are now an official couple!  Sweet!!   I guess that means no more Perkins waitresses for Tiger…which is a real shame.  But, hey, he can always bang a Denny’s broad!!  As for Vonn, she is an attractive enough woman for Tiger, I suppose, and is a well-decorated athlete, which is kind of fun.  But let’s face it, she probably doesn’t know how to bring pancakes to the table the way that Perkins hussy did.  Come on, Lindsey, its serve on the LEFT, clear from the RIGHT, you bitch!!  This is food-fucking-service 101!!!

Here’s some football news that we can all yawn to- Jets head coach Rex Ryan said that Mark Sanchez is still the team’s starter, but that Tim Tebow and newly-signed David Garrard will get a “chance to compete” and blah, blah, blah, the team needs to “get better” and Rex “would like to rape a steak if that is possible and legal” and that Rex is “thinking about adopting a black baby” and that “cupcakes are nice” and also that “Yoda was a little liar the way he pretended he wasn’t Yoda when Luke Skywalker crashed his X-Wing in Yoda’s swamp, and Yoda was like, ‘Hey, I can take you to Yoda if you give me one of those space bread sticks you have in your lunchbox’ and the next thing you know, while Yoda was making that space stew, he turns around and says to Luke, ‘Yeah!  You been PUNK’D, asshole!  I was Yoda all along!!’  That was fucked up.”

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to…St. Patrick.  It was his birthday or some shit like that 48 hours ago and I forgot to give him a proper shout out.  I don’t really know that much about the man…except that he drove the snakes out of Ireland, I think.  I don’t know…I’m really fucking stoned right now and think I may have pissed my pants a little.  Toodle-oo!!

- Dave (3/19/13)

Bring on the Madness, mother-fuckers! (3/18/13)

 

It's your March Eighteenth Davey Mac Report and the 2013 NCAA Tournament is here, daddy, and we are fucking excited.  Louisville, Indiana, Kansas, and Gonzaga are the number one seeds.  The games start Thursday.  I am seriously so enthused that I can barely sleep.  In fact, I've been up for 52 straight hours...but that's probably got more to do with the Methamphetamines that I'm cooking and ingesting in my garage.  The more that I think about it, maybe I'm not excited at all for the basketball.  Maybe...just maybe...I'm actually simply jittery from the Meth Madness tournament that I've entered.  I'm almost ready- I've got white powder on my face, two shotguns loaded, and an assortment of shady cohorts who promise to get me to the finish line.  Bring on the Madness!!

By the way, if I was to choose one rock group to represent this time of year in the sports world, it would be the ska band Madness...mainly because they have the word "Madness" in their name and I am drunker than Boris Yeltsin in a Smirnoff factory.  I think it's probably left-over alcohol poisoning from this killer St. Patrick's weekend-long celebration.  I don't know if I should tell you this, but I'm pretty sure I murdered a homeless person at some point.  I don't know...I was pretty blacked out.

The Miami Heat have now tied the 2007-08 Rockets for the second-longest winning-streak in NBA history at 22 games.  The '71-'72 Lakers have the record at 33 consecutive victorious games.  What do you think the chances are of the Heat breaking the Lakers' streak?  I say about 40%.  However, I think the chances are 100% that I just defecated in my pants a little, thinking it was a fart.  Well it was not, my dear readers.  It...'twas...shit.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the people who made the ESPN documentary "Survive And Advance"...the story of the 1982-1983 North Carolina State Wolfpack who shocked everyone by winning the 1983 NCAA Tournament, led by coach Jim Valvano.  It's a great special, and I strongly urge you to check it out.  I also recommend the film "Alien Wives With Big Tits Who Suck Human Goo", which is a movie that is currently playing on YouJizz.com.  Thank you.

See you homies later!!

-Dave (3/18/13)