It’s your March Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and damn these Miami Heat mother-fuckers are good. They’ve now won 27 straight games, just six away from the record of 33 held by the 1971-72 Lakers. A part of me hopes that they get it. It would be interesting to talk about. Another part of me hopes that they crash and burn at 32 games. That would be fun, too. Still another part of me wishes that I had a little human growing out of my left shoulder who I would call Spike. He could give me little pieces of advice and tell me if traffic is clear when I’m making a left turn. Yet another part of me hopes that someday, we’ll be able to make robots who specialize in bathing humans…because taking a shower is a real pain in the ass. A further part of me feels that if aliens ever invade the earth, maybe I can make myself some kind of male-human-sex-slave and have it filmed for a reality show on Bravo called The Real Human-Whore Of New Jersey. And a final part of me concurs with my puppet Floyd that I need to stop smoking marijuana before writing this shit.
By winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational yesterday (his third victory this year), Tiger Woods is once again ranked number one in the world. That’s much better than being number twoin the world…because that sounds like you’re ranked as “shit.” After all, that’s what number two means- POOP. I guess the phrase “number two” is also equal to a “curve ball” in baseball…but that always sounds like “poo ball” to me…which is why the curve ball is also called the “deuce.” That’s a lot of shit in professional sports. It’s downright disgusting. Actually, no, that’s not the part that’s disgusting…what’s disgusting is as I’m writing this, my dog is eating my toddler’s dirty diaper.
I’m jonesing for some March Madness right now. We have to wait until Thursday when the tournament resumes with the Sweet 16. Until then, I guess I’ll just do my same routine on non-sports days-
* Watch old Game of Thrones episodes and masturbate
* Make a bowl of microwave popcorn and jerk off on it
* Clean the garage and spank it on the air hockey table
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bob Dylan. Yeah, I said it. I recently purchased the ground-breaking D.A. Pennebaker Dylan documentary, Don’t Look Back, on Blu Ray and I’ve been in hog heaven…which is a weird phrase that actually, the more I think about it, disturbs me greatly. I mean, if I somehow make it to Heaven, and there is nothing but hogs there, I’ll shit.
Hasta la vista, muchachos!!