It’s your August Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and Melky Cabrera is in some hot shit. Which is not pleasant to be in…speaking as someone with experience. I once fell in a vat of hot shit while on my journalistic beat, writing a special expose-story of Fred’s Hot Shit And Warm Piss Factory…which, in my opinion, was not following the residential health codes. Anyway, after Melky was suspended for 50 games for using synthetic testosterone, we now learn that he was attempting to create a fake website of which he was going to claim he went to in order to buy “supplements”…which then, unbeknownst to Melky, turned out to be spiked with a banned substance. Christ! Got all that? ‘Cause I’ll be honest with you, I’m pretty sure that I fucking don’t!!! I mean, we’ve got fake websites and spiked supplements and synthetic testosterone and I’m pretty sure I wrote the word “unbeknownst” at some point and my dick has flashed up with little boils yet again that I’m pretending are just “heat lesions” which is in fact a phrase that I invented and has no true medical meaning and we all know that it’s really some venereal dick-plague that I must have gotten from rubbing my cock on the fore-head of a leper when I was too drunk to get a ride home last weekend in New York City. FUCK!!!
New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin is pissed off at a video that was posted by Giants punter Steve Weatherford and which shows defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul dumping cornerback Prince Amukamara into an ice tub. Amukamara appears upset in the video, meanwhile Pierre-Paul high-fives a team-mate and says about Amukamara- “The n—a ain’t gonna do shit to me.” Journalist’s editorial- I was not offended by the usage of the N-word. Nor was I offended by Pierre-Paul hazing Amukamara. What I was offended by was that the God-Damn punter posted this shit on the Internet!!! I mean, why was the punter hanging around these guys anyway?!?! In fact, I think I am most offended that Pierre-Paul didn’t turn around after seeing that the punter had crashed their Frightening Football Player Party and instantly decapitated Weatherford’s head right there in front of the God-Damn camera!!!! Then, Pierre-Paul could’ve carved out the brains of Weatherford’s head and used the punter’s skull as his own personal pimp cup!!! FUCK!!!!
LeBron James said he would like to play again on the men’s basketball team in the next Olympics. LeBron, who’s 27-years-old, gave this exact quote- “I did the math and I’ll be 31, and if I have the opportunity to be out there, I will do it.” Well, daaaaamn, LeBron, I didn’t know you was a MATH GENIUS of sorts!!! Shit, LeBron!! You’s good with numbers and whatnot!!!! Dicks and piss!! I mean, I’s was a-sittin’ here sayin’ to my Uncle Farty, “If LeBron is 27 years young now…how old would he a-be in four years…and somehow I’s came up with fourty-eight-hundred fuckin’ years old!!!!” Puss-N-Cocks, LeBron, I’s is so HAPPY you did the math!!! Oh, thanks ya, LeBron!! Thanks ya for doin’ the God-Damn fuckin’ Math!!!!!! Duhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Yankees’ Ichiro, who hit two home runs off of Boston’s Josh Beckett in the Yanks’ 4 to 1 win over the Red Sox. Hey, here’s a controversial statement- Ichiro is fucking good. That’s why they call me Davey Mac- The King Of Controversy. Because of statements like that.
…Ok, ok…no one calls me The King Of Controversy. They DO, however, call me Davey Mac- The Lord Of Confusion, because I sometimes get my kids mixed up with ferrets. What? They’re both small and cute!!!
See ya tomorrow, homies! Check out the New & Polls section of this site for some very important announcements!! Peace!!