It’s your August Twenty-First Davey Mac Sports Report and the Eagles’ Michael Vick was knocked out of yet another game (albeit a preseason one) last night by some monster from the Patriots named Jermaine Cunningham. I don’t know how Vick is supposed to win multiple Super Bowls when he seems to get fucked up in every God-Damn football game that he plays in. If I were Philly’s coach, I would seriously consider putting Vick in an Iron Man suit. Now I know that I’m just spit-balling here…but I think it could work. Plus, I feel that the lasers shooting from his metallic hands would be a plus. And we’re not just talking about football. Think of all the efficient dog-killing Vick could accomplish if he could shoot lasers at puppies. He’d be a one-man wrecking crew, I tells ya. Or maybe we could capture a Yoshi-esque dinosaur for Vick to ride in a la Super Mario. This way, when defensive players rush Vick and attempt to smash his body into goo, they’d just be colliding with that big, dumb, happy-go-lucky, idiot-of-a-creature. Again, just spit-balling…you can’t fuckin’ sue me for that.
Breaking News- Augusta National, home of pro golf’s The Masters tournament, has announced that for the first time since it was founded in 1932, they will admit female members to their club. Yes! Now if they’ll only allow Jews, blacks, non-Christians, people with curly hair, Canadians, those with slightly-impaired vision, guys with big teeth, Gary Busey, men who snore, animals, Hobbits, people who are tempted to bite into chalk because they think it would taste like a vanilla cookie, circus freaks who have feet where their hands should be, circus freaks who are totally normal, Ewoks, and those who like petting mailboxes…then Augusta would be the most diverse golf club ever!!! Yaaaaayyyy!!!
The Red Sox have fired pitching coach Bob McClure…and replaced him with McClure’s brother Troy. In his press conference for the Boston media, Troy McClure stated: “Hi. You may remember me from such baseball movies as Timmy, The Bat-Boy From Hell…The General Manager Has Been Eaten By The Mascot…and Someone Tell Marge Schott To Shut Up.” I don’t know about you, but I think this hiring is the best thing the Bo Sox have done in fucking years!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day actually goes to an owner today, specifically Mikhail Prokhorov, who is the head of the Brooklyn Nets and is dedicated on starting a blood feud with the New York Knicks. In a magazine article, Prokhorov called Knicks owner James Dolan a “little man.” Dolan responded by saying, “Well at least I didn’t make my money through the Russian Mob!” At which point Prokhorov allegedly broke into Madison Square Garden, found Dolan hiding in his office, cut off Dolan’s penis, and shoved it in his mouth. “I must DICK you,” were the lasts words Dolan heard (uttered by Prokhorov) before he passed out due to intense cock-breath.
See you homies tomorry!!
-Dave (8/21/12)