It’s your August Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and “King” Felix Hernandez is just plain awesome. He has floated under the national sports radar these past three or four years because most of his Seattle Mariner team-mates have been living, breathing, piles of shit who strike out often and suck worse than 92% of the alive pieces of shit out there. But not even his screwy, cum-head team-mates could have fucked up Felix’s game yesterday; as he threw the third perfect game of the MLB season (and sixth no-hitter overall). Are we officially in the Era of the Pitcher? You’re God-Damn right we are. And that’s just fine with the Dave Man…’cause I plan on fillin’ up some pitchers full of Budweiser tomorrow, baby, and watching Let It Ride on cable!! My Era of the Pitcher happens every Friday, dawg, and usually starts with beer, and then goes into pitchers of Jack & Cokes, and then pitchers of gasoline (unleaded) and usually ends with a puddle of lighter fluid and shit having mysteriously been sprayed onto the couch!!! Let the Era of Pitchers commence!!! Fuuuuck yeah!!!!

This year’s MLB All-Star Game MVP, Melky Cabrera, has been suspended for 50 games for testing positive for testosterone. This means that the Giants outfielder will miss the rest of the season, and the first five game of the post-season (should San Francisco get there). What kind of person is named “Melky”? I’ll tell you what kind…the God-Damned cheatin’ kind! That’s one of my talents…in case you didn’t know…I’m rather adept at identifying a name and matching it up with a certain situation (like Melky and cheatin’). For instance, what kind of person is named “Harold”? I’ll tell you- the sort of man who would slap a cow in the face for being lazy…THAT’S who!!! And what sort of lady would be named “Felicia”? The sort of broad who would give two hand-jobs to a couple of Arabian princes and then miss work the next day!!! And what kind of man would be named “Dave”?!?! I’ll tell you…the kind of a dude who would write an online sports article with no pants on and one hand on his genitals…THAT’S fucking who!!!!

The U.S. men’s soccer team beat Team Mexico yesterday in Mexico for the first time ever in the 75 years that the teams have played there. Mexico still has 23 wins in their home country compared to America’s one win. Wow. I haven’t heard of an American getting his ass killed that hard by a Mexican since Quentin Tarantino got shot in his smiley head in Desperado after telling that fucking joke!! Hey, in your defense, Quentin, I thought the joke was funny!!! Get a God-Damn sense of humor, Mexico, sheeeeesh!!!!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to my son Stan for waking me up this morning by throwing a football at my head…interrupting a beatiful dream that I was having about being in the Millennium Falcon with Joyce DeWitt (1970′s version). Thanks A LOT, Stan!