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It's Easter this Sunday! Do you have any special plans?
a.) I'm gonna dye a bunch of eggs and shove 'em up my ass, Davey Mac!!
b.) I'm gonna get my rifle and sit in my backyard and if I see some God-Damn fruitcake rabbit trespassing on my property---BLAMMO!!!!!!
c.) I'm gonna throw water balloons at anyone wearing an Easter bonnet.
d.) I'm gonna fart on two hundred jelly beans.
I think I may go fishing this morning. Is this a good idea?
a.) You'll probably end up drowning, David, you nitwit. (9%)
b.) You should say a Hail Mary every time you put your hook in the water like Fredo from "Godfather II". Afterall, things really turned out fucking splendid for HIM!!!!! (20%)
c.) Make sure you pack a cooler of beer, a couple sandwiches, some pot, a few tabs of acid, a bag full of coke, morphine, a shotgun, rope, a midget, a baby deer, and a tiny box containing urine. It's the only way to fish, Davey!!!! (38%)
d.) I don't like fishing because I get embarrassed when the fish watch me masturbate in the boat. (33%)
Hello, Friendies!!! I wanted to give you a heads up!! There will be no new Sports Report and Dave Poll on Wednesday, April 4, as I will be in attendance tonight at the Bruce Springsteen concert at the Izod Center in New Jersey!! As a result, I plan to drink 22 beers and listen to a guy sing/bitch about the "working life" as if he were my uncle. I can't fucking wait!!!! Anyway, because of the impending intoxication, I will need to sleep in tomorrow and thus no Sports Report.
However...fear not!!! We WILL still be doing the Davey Mac Sports Program, LIVE on Ustream, at 7 PM (EST) as always on Wednesday!!! No amount of hangover can prevent this red-headed retard from driving into Time Square in his shitty fucking car in order to layeth the smackdown on the worlds of sports and pop culture!!! Pepper will not be at the show, as he is in hiding for crimes he most likely committed, but the Dave Man still has the brilliant keyboardist Roy Shaffer and Master Engineer Sean-O at his disposal!!
It'll be a fun, rockin'-sockin', suckin'-fuckin', poopin'-n-pukin' kind of show!!! Plenty of music and dicks for ALL to TOUCH! Ample amounts of butts for ALL to SEE! Vast amounts of mushrooms for ALL to EAT!!! So let's trip our faces off and shoot some shit!!! See you guys Wednesday, LIVE, on Ustream, at 7 PM (EST)!!!
Peace!!!!
I'm going to see Bruce tonight!! Yipeeeee!! What song am I most hoping for "The Boss" to play?
a.) "Thunder Load" (24%)
b.) "Born To Cum" (26%)
c.) "Glory Hole Days" (24%)
d.) "Hungry Fart" (26%)
Can you believe it's April already?
a.) Yeah, asshole!! I use a daily "Garfield" calendar!! So this whole "can you believe it's April" shit doesn't fly with me!!! Look!! Garfield just made fun of Odie!!! Hahahahaha!!!! (32%)
b.) I do not believe it's April! I also do not believe that:
* we landed on the moon
* my eyes don't have tiny cameras in them
* my cousin Bart isn't Jesus (35%)
c.) I can tell you one thing that I definitely believe- I just farted!! (33%)
Yeah, honey pies!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is gonna pet the SHIT out of Sirius XM Satellite Radio, LIVE, on Saturday!!! Tune in to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM (EST) for a petting so good that the world of Satellite Radio will say: "Who is this giant red-headed man who keeps petting me and whispering creepily in my ear that he likes my butt?" It's East Side Davey Mac McDonald, sweet child, that's who the fuck it is!!! Topics for this week's episode include:
* Why putting ice cream sprinkles on roadkill isn't a good enough reason to eat it.
* Professor Nathan Choke Phd. discusses his new book: "My Wife Fucked A-Rod and 87 Other Crushing Disappointments In My Life"
* We'll give you the six easy steps of how to clean up a squirrel that has mysteriously exploded in your kitchen!
* Host Gary Martin of the new cable channel CUM chats about his game show- Jizzles!
* Celebrity Chef Francois Lumeire farts on a cake and then eats it!
* Is it right to push an old woman into traffic? We ask our expert panel of retarded people!
* And Soap Opera star John Turkey discusses his new revealing autobiography- "I Like To Put Dynamite In Squirrels' Asses And Then Throw The Squirrels Into Strangers' Kitchens"
See you Saturday on Sirius XM!!!!
We're a couple days away from April Fool's Day! Do you have any pranks planned?
a.) I'm take a frying pan and a spoon and slam them together by my napping kitten's head. Face!!!! (33%)
b.) I'm gonna sneak up on the deaf guy on our block from behind and pour a bucket of piss his head. Sucker!!!!! (33%)
c.) I'm gonna shit in a bag and then light it on fire, and then place said bag on my boss' front porch, then I'll ring his doorbell, and when he comes out to stomp on the bag filled with shit, I'll run up and punch him in the face and pour the shit on his head, and light his house on fire! APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!! (34%)
If you had to, what actor's lap would you most prefer to sit on for two hours?
a.) Vincent Schiavelli (12%)
b.) Michael Berryman (11%)
c.) Richard Kiel (9%)
d.) Ian McDiarmid (11%)
e.) David McDonald (57%)
I hit my dick on a desk this morning...and it still hurts.
a.) That's what you get for rooting against Tim Tebow, David. God is punishing you! (21%)
b.) Big deal, Dave, I slammed my cock-hole into a cactus needle yesterday. Cry me a fucking river!!! (20%)
c.) You probably did it on purpose, Davey Mac, you desk-fucking weirdo!!!! (19%)
d.) At least you're not Corey Shittin' Feldman, Diddy!!! (19%)
e.) I just farted. (21%)
Fuck yeah!! You got all the information that you need in that mother-fucking Pulitzer Prize-winning headline!! We do's it LIVE on Ustream TONIGHT at 7 (EST)!!! What we gonna do, homies?
* We gonna lick it!!
* We gonna stick it!!!
* We gonna pick it!!!
* We gonna trick it!! And flick it!! And kick it!! And DICK IT!!!!!
Join the Dave Man, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O tonight!! LIVE at 7 (EST)!! GO here or here for the fucking show, dawg!!! And make sure you're subscribing to the Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes!! I gotta piss!!!
I burnt my finger really bad yesterday when making my steak. What should I do to relieve the pain?
a.) Suck the burn. Yeahhhhh...ohhhhh yeahhhhh...that's right...suck it nice, Davey Mac...yeaahhhhhhhhhhh... (23%)
b.) Chop your finger off and stick it straight up your ass, Shit-Knees!!! (27%)
c.) Burn your other nine fingers so that they feel equal. (24%)
d.) Displace the pain the way the Navy Seals do. In other words, if your finger is hurting, put your dick in a fan. That's what I do. (26%)
"The Hunger Games" was the number one movie over the weekend. Did you see it?
a.) No, I was watching March Madness at home. (22%)
b.) I didn't watch "The Hunger Games" over the weekend but I did view "The Cumger Dames" starring Vivica Jizz, Samantha Pussy and Luke Dick. (24%)
c.) My eyes were burned out of my head by kidnappers...thus, no movies for ME, pal! (26%)
d.) I skipped it because it hits too close to home. I, too, had to suck lots of dicks in order for my village to survive. Huh? Oh, sorry, I thought we were still talking about "The Cumger Dames". (28%)
Fuck yeah!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE as always on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! Just tune to the Opie & Anthony (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM (EST)!! It's gonna be more fun than one of my uncle's famous Dick 'N' Cupcakes parties!! Topics for the show will include:
* Apparently giving sleeping strangers in the hospital foot rubs is looked upon with disapproval!
* The Mile High Club is old news. We'll tell you why the Handjob In A 7-11 Club is all the rage!
* Dr. Pierre Mountain discusses his new self-help book: "I Eat So Many Powdered Doughnuts That Sometimes I Fart Pure Sugar."
* We chat with new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine on whether or not he would like us to kidnap him and sell him to baseball-loving Arabs.
* Why you shouldn't whistle show-tunes when you're in a capital punishment observatory room and about to watch your cousin get electrocuted.
* Political Activist Maury Beef talks about his dream of getting the United States of America renamed to "Poop Land."
* And controversial chiropractor Burt Hutchinson comments on his new tell-all: "I Like To Heal People By Paralyzing Them!"
See you Saturday on Sirius XM!!
It's gonna be real nice out today! What are we gonna do?
a.) We're gonna have a nice picnic followed by some wine and then we'll wrestle and the wrestling match will turn into a tickle-fest and hahahahahaha you're tickling the SHIT out of me please stop, I said fucking STOP---
Bang! BANG-BANG!!
See? You see what you get for too much tickling?!?! Now I had to go and shoot you in the gut!! Fuck NO, I ain't taking you to a hospital...YOU fucking started this!!!! (51%)
b.) Maybe we should just stay in. (49%)
You got that right, Friend-O!! The Davey Mac Sports Program had to be pushed back to today, Thursday, and so will be LIVE at 7 PM (EST) on Ustream TONIGHT!! Just go to the Ustream section of this site to watch!! And make sure you're watching without your pants on!! It will be more enjoyable for everyone!!! Hey!! Where are you going?!?! I'm just sayin'. I won't be wearing pants, neither will Roy, and Pepper will be thonging it!! It would only be fair if you, too, were not wearing pants!! Whether or not you are going to be shirtless and slowly putting butter on your chest is entirely up to you! See you at 7!! Peace!!!
Every time I lift some weights, my wrist starts hurting. How do I correct this?
a.) Stop lifting weights, asshole. (32%)
b.) Is "lifting weights" a code-word for "jerking off blind-folded on an inflatable Bugs Bunny raft in a random stranger's pool"? (34%)
c.) Hmmmm...I thought it was your face that was hurting...because it's killing ME!! Hahahahaha!!! Thank you!! Thanks, everyone!! I'll be performing stand-up AND will be juggling dildos this weekend at Don's Dicks 'N' Jokes on Route 72!! Now go fuck off!! Hahahaha!! I love this crowd!!! (34%)
Yeah, dawg!! The Number One Independent Sports Show on the Internet, the Davey Mac Sports Program, is live THURSDAY on Ustream at 7 PM (EST), rather than our usual day of Wednesday! Just go to The East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!! Or go to the Ustream section on THIS SITE!! On Thursday's episode Davey Mac shall discuss his new hobby of photographing animal butts, Pepper will kidnap a C-List celebrity, Roy blows up Sean O's car, Sean O shoots Roy in the leg, Dave films the whole thing for a new documentary- "We Drink Too Much", Sean O becomes a retarded person, Pepper makes a little train set made of chocolate, Dave makes a little race track made of poo, our relatives plan to light our studio on fire and burn us alive, Roy wrestles Bob Costas and calls him "a pussy", children get things thrown at their faces, Sean O forgets to push the numbers in The Hatch, Dave and Balki get snowed into a cabin because of a frightening avalanche, Pepper gets stuck in a freezer with Mr. Furley and needs Felipe to rescue him, and the planet Earth explodes. See you, THURSDAY!!!
Have you ever been next to a celebrity in the bathroom?
a.) Yes. Once I was next to Michael J. Fox at the urinal...we pissed all over the floor...the walls...the sink...and laughed and laughed while we fucking did it!!! (25%)
b.) Once, while on security duty, I ran into an angry Vincent D'Onofrio in the men's room. I believe I said, "Uh-oh." (26%)
c.) I had to share, for various reasons, a Port-O-Pottie with Neil Patrick Harris once. (22%)
d.) Once I was next to Gwyneth Paltrow in the bathroom stall...ok, ok, fine...I wasn't so much next to her, rather I put a webcam in her toilet and Skyped a video of her going number one. Big deal. (27%)
Today is the first day of Spring. What is the best Spring myth?
a.) On this day, one can supposedly balance an egg on its small end on a table. (22%)
b.) People's faces melt at noon exactly. (25%)
c.) Trees blow up at midnight. (26%)
d.) Semen that has been ejaculated from a penis can float, and stay suspended in the air for ninety seconds, before turning into beautiful Cum Butterflies. (27%)
What do you like most?
a.) Tickles (32%)
b.) Pickles (33%)
c.) Dickles (35%)
