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I got a haircut and I am feeling good.
a.) Good. Now change your shit-pants, you dirty son of a bitch!!!
b.) Hair-cuts are nice. Not as nice as sucking your own dick...but nice nonetheless.
c.) I hate getting my hair cut almost as much as I hate getting fucked by a goat...which happens every Tuesday...don't ask...
d.) Good for you, David! Why don't you go jump in a volcano and lava yourself to death, you bragging bastard!!!
Did you have a nice weekend?
a.) Hell yeah! I went swimming in my friend's pool and only pissed in it four times! Oh, and I also farted in the pool once. And, yes, I made a poop in the pool once...ok, fine, twice...alright, alright, THRICE...but I really had to go!!!
b.) I had a great weekend. I honored those who served in our country's military by dressing up neighborhood squirrels as V.C. and then napalm-ing the SHIT out of them.
c.) My weekend wasn't so great. It rained where I live so rather than going to the beach like everyone else, I could only stay home and stab my dick with Number Two penciils.
d.) We had an awesome three days! We took lots of LSD and barbecued some terrific squirell meat that one of my friends brought over! It tasted a little napalm-y if you ask me, but
Yes, daddy!! Go to the Opie & Anthony Channel on SiriusXM On Demand and take a listen to the "Best Show On Radio" (Freddy "Deaf Ears" Blackbone). Dave & Pepper talk about Mike Dice-esca, intoxicated Canadians, a certain naughty puppet who stops by, chocolate milk recipes, Whacked Out Sports, and so much more! Then, we go out after the show and drunkenly kill two homeless people! Maybe we shouldn't have said that out loud!! Shit!! OK, we hear police sirens!! We'll see you later!! Peace!!
- Dave 7/29/13
Have you ever kissed an animal?
a.) Yes. I made out with a turtle. (24%)
b.) No. I only like to butt-fuck robots. (25%)
c.) Sort of- I once let a marmot suck my ass. (25%)
d.) I think I was once raped by a platypus. (26%)
Oh shitties times TWO, dogsies!! You have a couple of brand new Davey Mac shows all ready to be licked up and down and all around!!
First, a spectacular new episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online) is NOW up on iTunes and/or RiotCast.com!! We talk about pot, Kermit the Frog Vs. Gonzo, the Traveling Wilbury's, Richard Lanklater, and oh yeah, some sports shit!!
And THEN, when you're done poopin' with that, tune in to our movie show- The Watchers- Available on iTunes and/or Stitcher.com!! We talk about the late, great Dennis Farina, this summer's box office bombs, and Dave's difficult movie decision!! Listen and enjoy the piss out of it!!
And don't forget to hear us, LIVE, on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL shall dominate the jizz out of broadcasting yet again!! 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Tune in to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103) for the show!!
Thank you, homies, for supporting the Dave Man!! And now that I'm talking to you in the third person, I'd like to add that the Dave Man has been jerking off this whole time in the bathroom while writing this post!!! Suckers!!! What, what!!
This week’s (online) Davey Mac Sports Program is NOW up on iTunes and/or RiotCast.com!!! Enjoy the fuck out of it...just DO NOT piss on it!! It's simply not clean to piss on a podcast!! It's quite unsanitary to piss on shows!! Trust me!! I know these things!!
AND, we'll see you on Saturday on SiriusXM Satellite Radio! LIVE!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL shall reign on the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103) at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Just don't shit on it!! DO NOT shit on radio programs!! It's simply not good for you!! To do so, you'd have to put shit in your ears!! And then where we would be?!?! We'd be sittin' here with shit in our ears!! Not good!!
Bye!!
(Published originally in BigBrotherGossip.com on July 7, 2013)
It's been a tough decade for surfers, dear readers. First, some little blonde girl named Bethany Hamilton got her damned arm eaten by a fucking shark while she was hanging ten, as it were. Then, the movie released about her life, Soul Surfer, sucked giant elephant dicks. I saw it once on Showtime at 3:30 in the morning while I was jacked up on NyQuil and DayQuil; and I thought I was about to lose my already-scrambled mind. "This girl isn't brave for continuing to surf after being chewed on by a shark," I thought to myself while snorting Robitussin, "she is just plain stupid. Shitties, I would NEVER go back into the water again if a shark gobbled on any of my limbs unless I had a fucking bazooka with me. Then, I'd promptly send all of those soulless finned cocksuckers straight to Hell. BOOM! Take that, Sharks. You are the Assholes of the Sea. BLAM! And that one is for the fucking Kintner boy, Sharks. Suck it."
Anyway, as I was saying before I went on that drugged-out weird tangent about fish-life, these have been hard times for surfing folk. And that trend continued this week with David, the self-described San Diego "beach bum" who seemed more like an unpaid extra from Point Break. I was half-hoping he would leap out at the Aryan chick with a President's mask on and rob her before she could get out another one of her quaint, home-spun, Southern phrases like "Go cook some rice, Asian lady."
David was not long for Big Brother. He was too much of a character. People only like characters on shows like Game Of Thrones and/or Maury Povich. But it is not wise to reveal your personality too early on Big Brother. That's why, should I ever get cast on the program, I would probably get evicted from the house before I put my damned luggage on the floor. People would see a giant red-headed gentlemen with t-shirt that would probably read something to the effect of "I Heart Farts" while wearing one of those obnoxious and out-dated helmets that has the two beers stapled to the side of it because, SHIT YO, I'm fuckin' wacky and I can't be bothered to hold beer cans with my fucking HANDS!! No way, Jack!! The Dave Man needs those hands to inappropriately touch the women room-mates while spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread!! The Dave Man is fucking NUTS, America!! Don't evict his ass!!
Anyway, who knows what will happen to that Nazi cheerleader now that her surfer-dick is gone...but I'm sure as shit that somewhere, Hitler is fucking LOVING this show. Avita zein!!
Oh, shits 'n' pussies!! The Davey Mac Sports Program (online) July Fourth Spectacular is NOW up on iTunes and/or RiotCast.com!!! Make love to it if you'd like!! God knows I will!! I've made love to Play-Doh, tissues, chocolate things, and other items I can't mention here!! So, why the heck would I NOT make love to this damned show?! On this episode, we sing songs of freedom, we drink beer, and we celebrate America!! We are the light in this cruel, dark world!! We are the beacon of hope to the struggling masses!! We get shit done!! No go to iTunes and/or RiotCast.com and have a listen!!
Then, if you're wondering what you can listen to while you're torturing some terrorist, tune in to the very patriotic Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!! LIVE on Saturday on SiriusXM Satellite Radio at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Go to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103) for the greatest show in United States history!! God bless America!! And God bless you, you farting, jizzing freaks!!
Come on, jack-rabbits!! The Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) crushes the shit tonight on the eve of July Fourth!! Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream to get down with beer and sports and AMERICA, gosh-dammit!! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! We'll sing our patriotic hearts out and dedicate this evening's show to ALL Americans!! Especially those who like putting candy in their butts!! We'll see you later!! And we'll be seeing double as we'll most likely be drunk!! U-S-A!!!
It's a big Independence Day weekend! What is your favorite part of America?
a.) I likes how we gets all liquored up and shoots the shit outta dem Canadians!!! Hahahahaha!! Bang-bang, Toronto!!
b.) My favorite aspect of America is when we invent things...like Twinkies...and dildos.
c.) I love our freedoms. Most notably, our freedoms of jerking off in public and drowning birds in the toilet.
d.) I just enjoy chanting- "U-S-A!! U-S-A!!" It's my second favorite chant behind "Suck And Fuck!! Suck AND FUCK!!!"
The damned headline says it all!! This past Saturday's SUPERB Davey Mac Sports Program XL is now available in the SiriusXM On Demand section!! Go to the Opie & Anthony Channel for the show!! We have all kinds of special guests- Emmy Award-winning keyboardist Roy Shaffer, truTV comedian Mike Trainor, NFL MVP Adrian Peterson, SiriusXM host "Primetime" Sam Roberts, Cocomo Joe, and MORE!! It's the BEST fucking show in the world, slap-dammit- it's the fucking Davey Mac Sports Program XL!! Now let's jiggle our parts together!! Ohhh yeaahhhh!!! Doesn't that feel good?! Mmmmmmm!!! Let's touch!!! Yeahhhhhh!! OK, gotta go!!
It's July First which means it's REALLY summer-time! What do you have planned?
a.) I'm gonna do what I do every summer- drive up to the lake and attempt to drown my grandmother after poisoning her stupid fucking Shih Tzu!! (24%)
b.) Usually during this overly warm time of the year I stay in my air-conditioned home and shove drink umbrellas in my ass. (25%)
c.) I'm gonna drunkenly barbecue my dick!! (25%)
d.) I plan on building my very own Slurpee machine and then smashing the first midget I see over the head with it. (26%)
American Doom - The Land of Big Brother Part I
(Published originally in BigBrotherGossip.com on June 27, 2013)
It's that American time of year where (for those of you who bizarrely don't watch baseball) the best of reality TV comes on. Big Brother. That special time of the summer where you think to yourself- "I would like to go swimming but I really need to see if Rachel is on the Elliptical machine." It'll be fruitful of models and actors and the occasional "real" person. We'll see a tit or a cock or both, if we pay attention. But mostly, we'll see humans acting in their WORST. We'll see boorish behavior and cheap girly tricks. We'll see a man who pretends to be "America's Best Buddy"......and as a result, we might see a woman who is a doctor pretend that she is very stupid, perhaps has a dying parent, used to do drugs......but has now "figured it out". This is what we like. It's Big Brother time, mother-fuckers. Enjoy the madness. God knows I will......and you will......and we might cry to our priest/rabbi/atheist counselor.....but we WILL cry. This much is guaranteed- SOMEONE will let us down. SOMEONE will betray us. But ultimately, that SOMEONE will win. God Bless Us All. - Davey Mac
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Meeting People Ain't Easy - The Land of Big Brother Part II
(Published originally in BigBrotherGossip.com on June 30, 2013)
We are about seventeen seconds into the new Big Brother season and already we have an alliance. And they are called......"The Moving Company". And all I can think of when I hear that intimidating name is,
"Damn, I hate moving. I mean, I know that most people hate moving, but, like, I REALLY hate moving. Cardboard boxes and duct tape and all that shit can just go straight to hell. I'd rather eat a thorn bush than move. Boy, I'm getting really side-tracked here."
I'm only gonna support the Moving Company if they take after Bad Company and release a song and album with the same name. And maybe their album cover can be the five guys in the alliance sitting on each other's laps and smiling right at the camera. Speaking of rock and roll, daddy, is it me or does McRae look like Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist, John Frusciante. Everyone in the house is angry because that one duck-lipped freak, Elissa, is Rachel's sister and she's not telling anyone; but I'm pissed as dick that McRae Frusciante is not revealing to us that his brother is in the band that dressed up like light bulbs at Woodstock 2. Fuck you, McRae Frusciante.
I've also heard that there are rumblings of racism floating around in the Big Brother house. I hope CBS shows that nonsense. Because racism is not funny...unless it's being done by a puppet or cartoon character or an aging, white, baseball player. THEN, it's a damned scream, it is. I don't support bigotry of any kind.....except Max Rebo-ism...which is the unapologetic hatred of blue elephants who play the piano in Return of the Jedi.....that fucker and those like him should be strung up and......
Listen to me.....I'm getting carried away here. Anyway, I've never understood why contestants on Big Brother give a shit about the HOH room. They've just competed in a game where a giant tongue was licking them and alien-squirrels were farting blood on their faces or some shit like that...I don't know...I was fucked up a little when I saw the episode The point is, after you've gone through some LSD-inspired obstacle course, I would think seeing a pizza boy's box of Jolly Ranchers would be one fuck of a let down comparatively.
In summation, what am I doing watching this fucking show when Stephen King's Dumb People Trapped In A Snow-Globe is on?! See you later!!
- Davey MacDave Stand Up 1
(Published originally in BigBrotherGossip.com on June 27, 2013)
It's that American time of year where (for those of you who bizarrely don't watch baseball) the best of reality TV comes on. Big Brother. That special time of the summer where you think to yourself- "I would like to go swimming but I really need to see if Rachel is on the Elliptical machine." It'll be fruitful of models and actors and the occasional "real" person. We'll see a tit or a cock or both, if we pay attention. But mostly, we'll see humans acting in their WORST. We'll see boorish behavior and cheap girly tricks. We'll see a man who pretends to be "America's Best Buddy"......and as a result, we might see a woman who is a doctor pretend that she is very stupid, perhaps has a dying parent, used to do drugs......but has now "figured it out". This is what we like. It's Big Brother time, mother-fuckers. Enjoy the madness. God knows I will......and you will......and we might cry to our priest/rabbi/atheist counselor.....but we WILL cry. This much is guaranteed- SOMEONE will let us down. SOMEONE will betray us. But ultimately, that SOMEONE will win. God Bless Us All.
- Davey Mac
Oh hell yeah, babies! This week's (online) Davey Mac Sports Program is NOW up on iTunes and/or RiotCast.com!!! Enjoy it!! We break the Aaron Hernandez story!! U2 drummer Larry Mullen stops by!! Dave sings a song of innocence and guilt!! And more silliness that is so fun it'll make you want to stick dynamite in your dog's ass!!
Then, when you're done with that shit, listen to our number one-rated movie show- The Watchers!! Available on iTunes and/or Stitcher.com!! We discuss Kubrick Vs. Scorcese, summer movies, Pixar, and MORE!! Make sure you don't get water on that dynamite before you stick it in your dog's ass or you could accidentally blow yourself up!!
Lastly, the Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE this Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Tune in to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103) for the show!! With special guests: Award-winning keyboardist Roy Shaffer, Cocomo Joe, comedian Mike Trainor, and NFL MVP Adrian Peterson!! I wish you great success in the impending explosion of your dog and his ass!!
We'll see you later!!
FUCK YEAH!! We have a live Davey Mac Sports Program this evening on Ustream and we want you to be there with us for the tickles 'n' shit!! Go to the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream to watch the show!! We got the latest in the Aaron Hernandez case!! We got the Yankees squabbling and telling each other to "shut the fuck up"!! And we got really bad farties!! We'll see you this THIS EVENING on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!!! 7 Eastern!! Peace!!
When I say the phrase, "get all your ducks in a row", what do you think of?
a.) I think of doing some acid and then strangling Emilio Estevez and those asshole-kid-hockey players he coached!! (26%)
b.) I think of what any normal person would think of- going to the lake, capturing baby ducklings, and shoving them up my hostage's ass. (25%)
c.) I think of gettin' drunk an' fuckin' my sister!!! Yeeehhhaaaww!! ...What was the question? (24%)
d.) My dick hurts. (25%)
Thank you, dogsies, for coming out!! And to those who didn’t, go screw a duck!!! Just kidding. That would not only be inappropriate but it would be downright silly. Ducks aren’t for fucking. That’s what my great-uncle Bill told me shortly before he jumped in front of a bus. Anyway, here are some pics. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have sex with a pigeon. Uncle Bill never said shit about not humping those cute little fuckers. If the photos of Davey Mac, Tracy Morgran, Roy Shaffer, and more aren't uploading, CLICK HERE!!!
Dave and Roy being weird
Dave and Tracy Morgan
Dave and Roy Shaffer on stage
Dave pointing at Tracy Morgan like a creep
Dave is probably high right here
Dave and Roy and either a very tan Pepper or Tracy Morgan…we’re not sure ’cause we’re drunk
Random picture of Dave wearing a turkey hat that has nothing to do with the Movie-thon whatsoever…
Even more random picture of Larry Appleton from “Perfect Strangers”
Yeeeeehhhaawww!!! I'm so fucking drunk, I can barely breathe!! Hey!! I think that actually means that I'm dying!! Seriously!! I'm not breathing properly!!! Ahhhhhh!! Well, I guess in my final moments on this planet, I should tell you that this week's online Davey Mac Sports Program is NOW up on iTunes and/or RiotCast.com!!! OK!! You got that?! Good!! Now call fucking 9-1-1 immediately, you son of a bitch!! Ahhhhhhh!!!
Rock 'N' Roll!!! That's right!! Even though this evening is the big Davey Mac Movie-thon at The Stand comedy club in New York City (which we will be attending), we shall nonetheless still demonstrate broadcasting professionalism at its best and fuck the Internet Radio squarely in its electrical ass by doing the Davey Mac Sports Program THIS EVENING on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!!! We plan to go LIVE around 5:30...maybe a little earlier...maybe a little later. So check with Dave's Twitter and shit for the exact time!! See you tonight for the show that's been called "The only program that's twice secretly video-taped my wife while she was shitting. Lawsuits are pending." - Donald Trump
PEACE!!
