It’s your January Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and new allegations have surfaced that Alex Rodriguez is being investigated yet again for using performance-enhancing drugs from 2009 to 2012. Holy fuck. Rodriguez cheats at baseball worse than Al Capone did at taxes. I am hoping for some sort of Geraldo Rivera special where he voyages into A-Rod’s vault. What Geraldo would find there would be anyone’s guess…I’m thinking it would be lots of violet lip stick for A-Rod’s freakishly purple lips, probably some old Swank magazines (everyone’s vault has those), Derek Jeter voodoo dolls, black dildos (again, a standard item for most vaults), and some diaries with excepts such as “I really like when Cameron Diaz snowballs me.”
In a report being published by Sports Illustrated on Monday, SI claims that Ray Lewis was given deer-antler spray in order to come back from his torn triceps injury. The deer juice or whatever the fuck it was apparently contained an ingredient that is on the NFL banned substance list. So what…Ray Lewis is drinking deer blood…is this some kind of a surprise? The guy was having a deranged breakdown BEFORE the AFC Championship that rivaled only Captain Kurtz from Apocalypse Now in terms of sheer maniacal lunacy. I was expecting Ray Lewis to put Tom Brady in a bamboo-forged cage at one point and have a cazy-assed photographer scream at him. I think injecting deer saliva is the least of Ray Lewis’ problems. The fact that he’s fucking CRAZY is probably more important.
Here’s why I have a hard time with soccer. For what feels like the 87th time we’ve had to report a story like this, during a match in the Netherlands, black American Jozy Altidore was berated with monkey chants. Seriously, what the fuck is with the monkey chants in soccer games, Europe?!?! It’s not even fucking original!! I mean, that’s like OLD SCHOOL, 1860′s racism!! Damn, I would have expected that shit to exist in slave movies like Django Unchained…NOT in 21st century reality!!! Fuck it, I’m gettin’ on the horn with President Obama ASAP and telling him about these horribly bigoted monkey chants…you Dutch fuckers better dig some holes and hop in them, because I GUARANTEE some fuckin’ U.S. military jets on their way to your rinky-dink country as we fuckin’ speak!!! Bombs away!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to cows for providing me with not one, but TWO fine steaks that I’ve eaten today. Thanks, bitches.
The Davey Mac Sports Program is LIVE this evening on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!! 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! We’ll see you there!!