It’s your January Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the good news, Celtics fans, is that your struggling team turned it around on Sunday to beat the Eastern Conference-leading Heat in double overtime. The bad news, Celtics fans, is that your star point guard and arguably best player, Rajon Rondo, was discovered before the game to have a torn ACL and will likely be out for the rest of the year. This comes only a week after the Patriots were butt-fucked by the Ravens in the AFC Champiohip, and a few months after one of the worst Red Sox seasons in recent memory. Boston hasn’t had a rough stretch like this since Samuel Adams was caught bottling his own jizz and Paul Revere was arrested for Revolutionary Kiddie Porn. Meanwhile, the band Boston was available for comment: “We are so high right now…plus…one of us is actually dead…so we’re probably not the people you want to talk to about sports…but if you want to hear ‘More Than A Feeling’, we’re your guys!!!”
In tennis, Novak Djokovic won the first Grand Slam event this year by beating Andy Murray in the Australian Open finals. It’s Djokovic’s third straight Australian title; and his sixth Grand Slam championship overall. The guy can fucking play. Having said that, I get distracted every time he is on TV…and I feel the sudden urge to play Mike Tyson’s Punchout…mainly because Djokovic looks exactly like Don Flamenco to me. And let’s be honest…Don Flamenco fucking sucked. I could beat him with one hand tied behind my back and my dog biting my dick. Now Soda Popinski…now THAT was a fucking boxer, I tells ya!! Anyone who could jab that quickly while clearly fucked up on some home-made Russian alcohol is a BEAST in my book!!!
In an interview in The New Republic, President Obama states that he questions the safety of football; and that if he had a son, he would think long and hard about allowing him to play. The President further commented that if he did in fact have a son, he would possibly name him Indiana, not after the state, but after his favorite movie character of all time. Obama continued to say that sometimes he dresses up in women’s clothing and pretends that he’s the character “Marion” from Raider of the Lost Ark and hopes that Harrison Ford would swoop in with his whip and give him a nice kiss on the lips.
Editor’s note: President Obama it seems did not say anything close to what was reported in those last two sentences. Actually, we believe the author was writing out his own sick fantasies while under the influence of Ecstasy.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Lolo Jones, the former Olympic hurdler, who won a gold medal on Sunday in…bobsledding. That’s weird. It’s not as weird as recording your cat taking a shit on your napping grandfather’s head…but it is weird nonetheless.
Later, Dave Pound! Don’t forget to listen this past weekend’s sensational episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! The show is available Monday in the Sirius XM ON DEMAND section!! Peace!!