It’s your January Sixteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Lance Armstrong, you are bit of a dickbag, aren’t you? Strike that. You are a REAL dickbag. After a decade of denying that he did performance-enhancing drugs, Armstrong finally admitted that he did PED’s in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that will air Thursday. In addition to the years of lying, Armstrong also apparently threatened his team-mates and members of his staff to not expose him, and even bullied other riders to do drugs simply because he was on them. And they weren’t even fun drugs. I mean, if Armstrong put pressure on his team to do LSD before the Tour de France, then I would be in his corner. I can think of nothing more fun than riding your bicycle on some mountain in southern France, tripping face, when all of a sudden you see an Orange Dildo Monster who wants to eat you. To avoid being gobbled by the Giant Cock, you have to slow down on your bike, and drink some water. But all of a sudden, you realize that you slowed down so much, that you are no longer in the race. In fact, you are in some dirty arcade in Newark, New Jersey. Furthermore, you are drinking your own urine. You know, it’s not legal do be in a public place, sipping piss with no pants on next to the The Simpsons video game machine while on acid. You are now in trouble with the law. Teedle-do!!!
Meanwhile, I think the thing I hate most is that he made his confession to Oprah. Fucking Oprah?! That’s bull shit, Lance. If you wanted to come clean, you should have done it on the Davey Mac Sports Program…either the iTunes version of the show or the Sirius XM Satellite Radio version…or both!! Or fuck it, you should have come over to my house and we could have played Nintendo Wii and tickled each other!! And I could have fed you lunch and hog-tied you for one of my Video Gallery movies and would make a little sketch called “Lance Armstrong Is Hog-Tied And Having Combos Stuffed In His Ass Against His Will”. That thing would have gone fucking VIRAL, Lance!! You blew it!!!
Hey, I don’t really give a fuck that the guy cheated. Nor do I give a flying fuck about the sport of cycling. But for crying out loud, will someone tell me where I can get one of those awesome yellow shirts that Armstrong wears? That is one fine-assed bright shirt!! I feel like I could walk around and pretend that I’m the Sun…or maybe a flamboyant, human Pac Man!! And I would sing that “Yellow” song by Coldplay and probably get mud thrown at me by wild teen-agers who think that I’m some sort of overly-happy sex offender (which I’m not). Get me that fucking shitty yellow shirt, Lance, OR ELSE!!!
I gotta get outta here!! I still have the flu and I think some brownish, chunky liquid just went down my leg and onto my sock. It’s kinda like the famous Curt Schilling sock. Only his sock had blood on it from an injury. And my sock is clearly stained with diarrhea. Peace!!
See you tonight at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for the Davey Mac Sports Program! LIVE on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream!!!