It''s your January Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and by now I'm sure you've heard of the story about Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman Trophy candidate, Manti Te'o. If you're unfamiliar with this INSANE, crazy-as-my-Uncle-Buddy-on-a-sleep-deprived-speed-binge situation, Te'o reportedly made up his "girlfriend" who died in the fall of leukemia. The broad apparently never existed. This means that Manti Te'o (who is claiming that he somehow is the victim in this hoax) is either one of the biggest scumbags in sports history (below Ty Cobb and O.J. Simpson but definitely above Pete Rose) OR Te'o is Tyler Fucking Durden bat-shit INSANE. To make up a girlfriend...who got into a car crash...and then died of leukemia...wow...that is fucked up. I mean, sure I once invented an imaginary man named Herbert Steubens who I said fondled my dick when I was passed out on the bus going from NYC to Jersey. But dammit, I was trying to fraudulently sue someone and get MONEY!!! I wasn't just looking for some weird attention that Te'o was supposedly seeking. That's just fucking nuts!! And yes, when I was ten, I had an invisible friend named "Tony" who lived in my mouth and made me write shit backwards on the mirror with my mom's lipstick. But YOU should have tried living in that gigantic fucking hotel with nothing but your Big Wheels!! It wasn't easy, I tells ya!!!
Chip Kelly has announced that he will indeed leave Oregon to become the new head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. I don't know if he will be as successful in the NFL, but I do think that you can't have more of an American/gee willikers name than "Chip Kelly". Where was this guy born, in fucking Pleasantville?! Was he friends with Eddie Haskell; getting drunk and putting Roofies in Mrs. Cleaver's gin and tonic in order to give some proper 1950's forced-sodomy?! Shit!!
Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his 2000 Olympic Bronze medal for doping. His interview where he supposedly confesses his usage of performance-enhancing drugs is tonight on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Meanwhile, on the Dave McDonald Network, I will have special guest Rip Taylor confess that he was on methamphetamines when he choked a nine-year-old with a bag of confetti. Tune in!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to LeBron James who, at 28 years old, is the youngest player of all time to score 20,000 points. Meanwhile, I'd also like to give a special shout out to Lil' Penny who, at twenty years old, is the oldest puppet to successfully undergo a puppet kidney transplant!! Congrats, Lil' Penny!!
See you guys later!! I have to get an EEG on Friday because my brain feels like Ewoks are eating it...so there may not be a SPorts Report. Make sure you download this week's spectacular Davey Mac Sports Program (online version); NOW available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!! And listen to the XL version of the show, LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on The Opie & Anthony Channel, 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! Peace!!