It’s your January Ninth Davey Mac Sports Report and Robert Griffin III must undergo total reconstructive knee surgery for a torn LCL and ACL. OK, I’m not exactly sure what ACL means, but I know that it has something to do with ligaments…and that to tear one is bad. Shit, I ain’t no doctor, but maybe Griffin shouldn’t have played against the Seahawks afterall…I don’t know…I don’t know much of anything anymore…I don’t know how to light a cigarette without setting myself on fire…I don’t know how to swing a stick at a pinata without accidentally having sex with a barn animal…I don’t know how to pick up a fork without shooting cum onto my neighbor’s front door because his fucking garbage blows into my yard…I just don’t know…
Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb, has gained over two hundred THOUSAND followers on Twitter (@_KatherineWebb) since Brent Musburger fawned over Webb during the broadcast of Monday night’s Alabama-Notre Dame game. Though he’s been criticized for being “creepy”, I don’t think what Musburger said was over the line. He just called her a “beautiful woman” and grunted two or three times. No big deal. My problem has more to do with how spineless ESPN is, who felt it necessary to issue an apology for Musburger. ESPN stated, “We apologize that the commentary in this instance went too far and Brent understands that.” Hey, man up, ESPN!! If you show a hot chick on TV, what is ol’ Brent supposed to say, “Boy, I’d rather fuck a small boy than that tall model in the stands”?! And by the way, ESPN, I happened to be watching the game with fellow broadcaster Al Michaels, who had this to say about Webb- “…And there’s A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb. Boy, would I like to put my penis on her forehead and make her into a sex unicorn. I mean, geez, that is one fuckable mouth that I wouldn’t mind putting my testicles in while I twirled them around, pretending that they were kinky lottery balls. All I’m saying is, whoa, I sure would like to take a razor and cut her tits off and put them on my shelf with all the other tits that I’ve cut off these past thirty years.” Fucking PRIORITIZE, ESPN!!!
ESPN’s Hannah Storm has returned after a horrible grill accident that nearly blew up her face. My God, Hannah, you are one tough woman! When I get a paper cut on my dick I call out of work for two months!! I mean, when I stick my dick in a boat propeller to scare the kids on Halloween, I don’t return to work until Christmas!! Heaven’s to Betsy, when I let my dick get chewed on by deranged death row inmates and post the video to YouTube, I don’t go back to work until the emotional scarring has somewhat healed!! You are a fucking HERO, Hannah Storm!! If you have any free time, would you like to put my dick in a mini-guillotine and chop it off, live on Sportscenter? I’ll await your answer…
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Phil Jackson, who has to be laughing his old, crippled, freakishly tall ass all the way to the shitter after the Lakers lost yet another game last night. L.A. is now 15 and 19 for the year and just plain suck. Just like the Emperor, Phil Jackson always gets the last laugh…that is…until he’s thrown down some strange space shaft on the second Death Star that led to God-knows-where and when he gets to the bottom of said shaft he explodes in ball of lightning…
…but until then, Phil Jackson always gets the last fucking laugh!!
See ya tomorrow, Dave Pound!! AND, we’ll see you THIS EVENING on the East Side Dave Happy Times Channel on Ustream at 7 PM Eastern, 4 PM in the West, for the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version)! LIVE!! With special guest- legendary Texan singer-songwriter, Ray Wylie Hubbard!! Later!!
-Dave (1/9/13)