Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Alabama makes Notre Dame look like a bunch of hunchbacks! A bunch of non-football playing, spazmatic, uncoordinated fucking hunchbacks! (1/8/13)

  OuchJerk

It’s your January Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report, and shit man, I (a Notre Dame fan) waited a month and a fucking half for THAT shit last night?!  The Irish were annihilated by Alabama, 42 to 14, in a spanking that not even Jack Torrance could have administered to that little brat, Danny.  I mean, let’s be honest, halfway through The Shining each one of us is rooting for Nicholson to chop up Danny into pieces and make him into a milkshake.  The kid talks to himself, he steals his mom’s lipstick, and he hides in cabinets specifically designed for cookware…I say he’s a tiny fucking thief and possible schizophrenic and, quite frankly, feel that Jack would be doing the world a favor by turning this small weirdo into a salad!!!  FUCK Danny!!  And FUCK Alabama for ruining my life!!!

Shit man.BratGet him, Jack!

 

In non-spirit-crushing football news, the Celtics beat the Knicks- 102 to 96.  But the big story was that Carmelo Anthony banged on Boston’s locker room door, angrily yelling at Kevin Garnett (the two had gotten into an altercation during the game).  Then, Carmelo went out to the Celtics’ bus, where he continued to wait for Garnett.  No blows were thrown, as Madison Square Garden security and NYPD officers were there to calm Anthony down.  Damn! Carmelo Anthony is one PISSED off dude!!  You need to RELAX, Carmelo!!  You should do what I do when I am mad…I take out my meditation mat…and beat the first armless man I can find with it…then, I take deep breaths…and kick an old person as hard as I possibly can in the shins…next, I take out my “Soothing Sounds of the Ocean” CD…and choke a small animal to death with it.  Works every time!

PISSEDMeditation-graphicDave Tron

 

Sources are saying that Redskins QB Robert Griffin III has suffered a partially torn ligament in his right knee and that he will undergo more testing for further damage.  Some people are blaming Skins coach Mike Shanahan for playing a clearly hurt Griffin.  But not me, daddy.  I don’t know how you tell a football player with a big heart, one that has led his team all year, that he can’t play in the playoffs.  I don’t know how you tell RG3 that he can’t at least try.  Heck, I don’t know how you tell a two-year-old not to steal a car…’cause they just look so damned cute when they’re driving away!!  I mean, I don’t know how you tell your dad you farted on his head while he was taking a nap…it’s just not something one wants to admit!!  What I’m saying is, I don’t know how you tell your landlord that you “accidentally” blew up your/his house!!  Honey, we have to get a moving van…NOW!!!!

OuchDriveBoom!

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the creator(s) of the H2 show, Ancient Aliens.  Thankfully, this insane programming exists; because as my Fighting Irish were getting slaughtered by the Tide, I was able to turn the game off and escape to a world of crazy-haired theorists, pot talk, and general fucked-up-edness.  Thank you, Ancient Aliens!

Dave Ancient AliensNice hair!

See ya later, Dave Pound!

-Dave (1/8/13)