It’s your January Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Oregon easily defeated Kansas State last night, 35 to 17, and blah, blah, blah…honestly, who fucking cares about these bowl games. It has become cliche to complain about the college bowl system and lack of NCAA tournament for football…but that is only because the cliche is fucking TRUE!!! I’d rather watch a Facts Of Life marathon than ANY of these corporate, boring bowl games. Shit, now that I think about it, I’d rather watch a Facts Of Life marathon than almost anything in general. Especially the episode where Natalie and Tootie get all fucking drunk at a casino and lose all their money and have to get finger-cuffed by a basketball team in order to get back to Mrs. Garrett’s shitty school. It was especially touching when Natalie revealed that she had been DP’d. God bless Facts Of Life!!
And now for a story that we DO care about: Mr. Rex “Can I Possibly Get Any Creepier” Ryan. The answer to his own, new nick-name- fuck yeah!!! Ryan was spotted sunbathing shirtless in the Bahamas with a new tattoo…a new tattoo…that portrayed Ryan’s wife wearing nothing but a Mark Sanchez shirt. Oh, yes, it’s true.
There are a MILLION things wrong with this but first of all, what happens when Rex gets fucking fired from the Jets?! What happens if Rex has to bench Sanchez again?! What happens if a fucking photographer should see Rex Ryan sunbathing, shirtless, on the beach and sporting a brand, new, HORRIBLE tattoo?! For the answers to these questions, AND to the questions “Why does my shit taste like pez?”; “What happens when I stick my dick in a furnace?”; “Why do babies point and laugh at me?”…read my NEW book- “Dave’s Big Book of Bullshit”…in stores NOW!!!
There’s some other shit going on in sports but I’m still sick and need to get out of here. So let’s quickly look at this weekend’s NFL Wild Card Playoff Match-ups!! The Vikings take on the Packers. Prediction- I’m gonna masturbate to that tattoo of Rex Ryan’s wife not wearing pants.
Texans go against the Bengals. Prediction- hey, don’t fucking judge me!! She looks pretty good in the pic!!
The Colts play the Ravens. Prediction- wait, if I jerk off to a girl tattoo…but it’s on a guy’s arm…does that mean I’ve just done some man-man-woman threesome?
Finally, the Seahawks face the Redskin. Prediction- aw, who cares! I’ve done worse! Like the time I spanked it in a Toys ‘R’ Us while looking at the Josie & The Pussycats Lego collection!!
See you guys on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program!! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, on Sirius 206, XM 105!! Peace!
-Dave (1/4/13)