Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

R-G-OW! (12/10/12)

 

It’s your December Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and what did I tell you people?  Besides the fact that I once told you about me masturbating in the library at Fordham University in New York and wiping the jizz on a “Famous Castles From Medieval England” book…and besides telling you that when I was 12, I shit my pants when I met Lou Piniella…and also when I told you that sometimes, when I’m alone, I put thumb-tacks into my penis…besides THOSE things, what did I tell you people?!  I fucking TOLD you that if Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III keeps running around like a chicken with his head cut off whose head has then been sodomized by a fox, that he would POSITIVELY get injured.  And that’s exactly what happened to RG3 yesterday.  In the Skins’ 31 to 28 victory over the Ravens, Griffin was knocked out of the game with a knee injury on a play where he was running the ball.   See?  I TOLD you people…just like I told you about the time I threw a snowball and hit Michael J. Fox squarely in the nose with it.  FACE!!

 

The Packers defeated the Lions on Sunday Night Football- 27 to 20.  Meanwhile, I was watching SportsCenter on ESPN this morning, and that one-eyed, cliche-riddled idiot, Stuart Scott, said that the Packers “beat down” the Lions.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, angers me more than when SportsCenter anchors do not understand their own shitty phrases that they spew on the air.  Prevailing over a team by one touchdown does not constitute a “beat down”, Stuart, you son of a bitch!!!  Damnit!!  Like I said, nothing angers me more than bad broadcasting.  I could witness the Droogs kicking the shit out of my dad and cutting tit-holes in my mom’s sweater, and THAT wouldn’t piss me off as much as shoddy on-air work…well…no…upon further review…the Droogs beating up my dad and doing God-knows-what to my mom WOULD probably upset me more than Scott’s verbal mistakes…but not by much!!!!

 

Now…the Seahawks BEAT DOWN the Cardinals yesterday- 58 to fucking Zero.  Honestly, can we think of getting rid of the Arizona Cardinals?  I know they went to the Super Bowl four years ago (Kurt Warner & Larry Fitzgerald + LUCK), but let’s be honest, they horrifically suck.  I mean, they are BAD.  After starting the season 4 and 0, the Cardinals have dropped their last nine games.  And does anyone in Arizona even care?  Fuck no.  The only thing that those people are passionate about is taking their automatic weapons and going “huntin’ for illegals”.  I have Nat Geo…I’ve seen “Border Wars”.  Nothing gets the people of Arizona more excited than squeezin’ that trigger at half a dozen Mexicans.  Well, I for one don’t care for that type of behavior.  People are people.  “Humans iz humans”…at least that’s what I learned from “Honey Boo Boo”.

 

In non-football news, Manny Pacquiao was knocked out on Saturday by Juan Manuel Marquez…effectively KILLING any hope/buzz that was left for a Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather fight.  And once again, the sport of boxing gets a nice, swift kick to the testicles.  Pacquiao losing his second contest in a row means that he no longer is the invincible boxer that existed three, four years ago.  Mayweather, having served prison time, will have lost a step as well.  Even if they did fight, it would be a pale version of the match that could have taken place in 2008 or ’09.  It would be like past-their-primes Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair battling in 2010…or, even worse, an over-the-hill Jason Voorhees taking on a clearly boozed-up Freddy Krueger in 2003.  Jason looked twenty pounds overweight and was rumored to have had a larger hockey mask made for his now-pudgy, extra-wide face.  And Freddy was seen stealing mini-airplane-bottles of liquor from his TWA flight.  Sad, really…

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Giants’ rookie kickoff returner/backup running back David Wilson who had a MONSTER day in the G-Men’s 52 to 27 win over the Saints.  Wilson rushed for 100 yards and two touchdowns AND got another 227 yards in kick return yardage (including a 97-yard kickoff return TD).  He also celebrated each of his scores by doing a back-flip.  Damn, man, that’s some Tecmo Bowl kind of shit!!  As a Giants fan, I was so thrilled to see Wilson’s performance that I farted loudly and blamed it on the dog!!  Good job, David!!

We’ll see you later, Dave Pound!!!

-Dave (12/10/12)