It’s your December Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Kobe Bryant is the youngest player in NBA history to reach 30,000 points (only four other players have ever reached 30K: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Karl Malone, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain). Kobe would have been the biggest star in sports, not just basketball, but all of sports, if he didn’t have that rape charge thrown at him in 2003. That really threw his popularity train off the fucking rails. Damned pesky rape charge!! Kobe would have gotten away with banging strange, schizophrenic broads in hotels if it wasn’t for you!! See, what’s why I NEVER rape chicks!! Dead bodies, pillow cases, robots, baby dragons…sure…I’ll rape the SHIT out of them!! But chicks I never rape (I only inappropriately jerk off in their purses when they’re sleeping).
NBA Commissioner David Stern said that his fine of $250,000 against the San Antonio Spurs (because of the Spurs not playing three of their stars when they were healthy) was justified. At a press conference Stern also stated that he was not “wearing any pants.” Stern furthermore commented that although his “Mr. Happy doesn’t get hard anymore, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get tugged and rubbed by Papa Stern!! Weeeeeee!!” Sources say David Stern may be forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation.
The best woman college basketball player in the world, Brittney Griner, had 24 points and 14 rebounds. After the game, Griner drank and then crushed a beer keg in her hand while choking out a man she thought was looking at her funny. She then went dancing with her best friend (and possible love interest) Madame Olympe Maxime, the headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy in France, before the two drunkenly returned back to Hogwarts and called Harry Potter and Ron Weasley a “couple of pussies.”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former Yankee Don Larsen, the only pitcher in MLB history to throw a perfect game in the World Series. Yesterday Larsen sold his jersey from that legendary night in 1956 for $756,000 in order to pay college tuition for his grandchildren. Damn, that’s fucking generous. I don’t have grand kids yet…but I’m pretty sure when I do, the most I’ll give them is a carton of cigarettes (of which three packs will probably be missing) and some fifty year old Star Wars toys that have five-decade-old dried mucous on them. Merry Christmas, kids!!