Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!


Tragedy in Kansas City! (12/3/12)


It’s your December Third Davey Mac Sports Report and unfortunately we have to start off in somber fashion.  Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher shot and killed his girlfriend (the mother of Belcher’s three-month-old daughter), then drove to the Chiefs’ practice facility, thanked head coach Romeo Crennel and general manager Scott Pioli for giving him a job, and then turned the gun on himself.  Fuck.  It’s a horrible, damned story.  Having said that, I really don’t want to see any of these dip-shit fans putting up memorials to Belcher.  Nor do we need any of his Kansas City team-mates putting his number on their helmets or shoes.  This guy murdered a mother of a little, baby girl.  HIS baby girl in fact.  It’d be like the state of Colorado honoring Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris because they were “tragically lost” in a high school shooting.  Yeah…a shooting…that THEY fucking perpetrated!!!  To anyone who wants to honor Belcher, a man who KILLED a young mom, I says to you- “Get your fucking head out of your ass and stop idolizing athletes!!!  Also, punch yourself in the crotch area for being a general DUMMY!!  Furthermore, dump a vat of acid on your head so that maybe you can become a comic book super-villain!!!  And slice off your nipples with a switch-blade and then put them on a pizza and deliver it to your uncle’s house as an early April Fool’s joke!!  And then find the first rattle snake that you see and shove it into your dick-hole!!  Ass-faces!!!”


The college football championship game is set- Notre Dame will take on Alabama (who beat Georgia on Saturday to win the SEC championship).  Mark my words- this game will be the highest-rated college championship game in the last twenty years.  Also mark my words- I am gonna pass out tonight on the side of the street in Brooklyn after I see Neil Young & Crazy Horse in the Barclays Center.  And lastly mark my words- during my self-imposed intoxicated comatose, I most likely will have shit my pants and someone will have drawn the word “COCK” on my fore-head.  Sounds like a good night!!


The Jets’ inept and horrendous starting QB, Mark Sanchez, was finally benched yesterday after throwing three interceptions and no touchdowns against the Cardinals.  Third-stringer Greg McElroy (backup Tim Tebow is hurt) came in, led the Jets to a go-ahead touchdown, and New York beat Arizona- 7 to 6.  You know what this means?  Sanchez’s time as a starter in the NFL is almost over.  Personally, I feel that is what he gets for having so many moles.  It’s distracting to look at.  I’m trying to watch the game and all I see is a cluster of moles that look like they are trying to eat Mark Sanchez’s face.  In all honesty, I am scared for the guy.  He should have those moles checked out to make sure they indeed are not going to eat his face.  Because I think that there is a strong possibility that Mark Sanchez’s creepy facial moles are trying to eat his face.


After Pau Gasol was benched at the end of the game in the Lakers’ 113-103 loss to the Magic, Kobe Bryant commented that Gasol needs to “put his big-boy pants on.”  Bam!!  Gasol was just called a big, fucking baby by his team-mate!!  Kobe further commented- “Pau is just playing like a toddler right now…an especially naughty toddler…who has been ditching school…hey, Pau…I just got this letter from school…it says you haven’t been there in months…IN MONTHS!!!  Where the fuck is my belt?!?!”


The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Broncos’ Peyton Manning, whose three passing touchdowns led Denver over Tampa Bay, 31 to 23, as the Broncos have now clinched the AFC West title.  Manning really is amazing.  This time a year ago he was a pat-on-the-neck away from being Stephen Hawking.  And now he is the front-runner to be the NFL MVP and has gotten Denver into the playoffs with 4 games to play.  Peyton should run for President of the World when he retires from football.  Then he can finally declare March 24th Peyton Manning Day where we dress up in Colts or Broncos uniforms and kill our neighbors.  Go, Peyton!!

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (12/3/12)