Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!


The Panthers beat the Eagles on Monday Night Football! Analysts say at least six people watched the game! (11/27/12)


It’s your November Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and two of the more under-achieving teams this year, the Panthers and Eagles, played last night in the “We Suck Dicks Bowl”.  Carolina won the game- 30 to 22.  Coming into this season, people were viewing the Panthers as a definite playoff team and many pundits had Philly as a serious Super Bowl contender.  However, both teams are 3 and fucking 8 this season.  And now look at these analysts…with their heads squarely up their asses.  Eating their own shit with their mouths…because that’s all you have to eat when your head is in your ass.  You certainly can’t fit a refrigerator in your ass.  Nor can you put a cooler with a couple of sandwiches in there.  Nope.  All you have is the shit.  And you have to eat it, digest it, recycle the shit back into your ass, and then eat it again.  Plus, when your head is in your ass, it’s very dark.  It’s kind of like a cave.  Only it smells like poop.  Yup…if you can manage to do it, always try to avoid having your head in your ass.  It just isn’t pleasant.


The Knicks and Nets played last night in their first ever Battle of the Boroughs; and Brooklyn beat Manhattan in overtime, 96 to 89.  With the Yankees (Bronx) and Mets (Queens) going head-to-head during inter-league play, this now means that every borough in New York City gets to experience big-time sports competition…except Staten Island…aka the Borough That No One Cares About.  I don’t know why Staten Island gets such a raw deal.  After all, the Corleone Compound (home of beautiful weddings and impromptu appearances from Johnny Fontaine) was located on Staten Island.  And we know what kind of stand-up individuals the Corleones were…they weren’t a bunch of pimps like the mother-fucking Tattaglia’s or a group of untrustworthy snakes like the Barzini’s.  And they sure as shit weren’t like that drug-pedaling fuck Sollazzo!!!  No!!  The Corleones were people of character!!!  Sure, they once killed a police chief…but he was a dirty cop, I tells ya!!!  Mixed up in the wrong rackets!!!  And he got what was coming to him!!  Fuck him!!!


The NFL has ruled that the Lions’ Ndamukong Suh accidentally kicked Texans QB Matt Schaub in the balls on Thanksgiving and thus Suh will not be suspended.  Meanwhile, my mom ruled that the Davey Mac intentionally lit my dad’s favorite chair on fire while clearly on bath salts.  Furthermore, it was ruled that that the Dave Man purposely inserted his shit into a paper bag, put the bag outside his in-laws’ house, and lit it on fire on Thanksgiving night.  More details to come.


The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team who has now risen to Number Two in the rankings and–


What’s so funny??  …Anyway, with Duke taking their Number Two and–


Why are you laughing?!?!  …Furthermore, Coach K says his Number Two smells sweet and–


WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!  I’M TRYING TO WRITE A SPORTS REPORT HERE!!!  Anyway, hopefully Duke doesn’t flush their Number Two down the toilet and–OH FUCK IT!!!

See you tomorry, Dave Pound!

-Dave (11/27/12)