Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

The Irish make it to the title! Number one! The Dave makes it to the shitter! Number two! (11/26/12)

 

It’s your November Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and get out your clovers and shillelaghs, homies, because the Fighting Irish are in the Championship Game!!  That’s right, with their 22 to 13 victory over USC on Saturday, Notre Dame will play for their first title since 1988!!  My hat is off to Coach Brian Kelly, who has given Irish fans their first real joy in a quarter of a century!!  And in celebration of Notre Dame’s accomplishment, I shall now go on a six-week bender of Jameson, Guinness, and car-bombing!!  Furthermore, I am going to walk up to and punch the first British man, woman, or child that I see.  It could be Lennox Lewis or Queen Elizabeth…if I see some limey blood…BAM!!  Then, I’ll start jerking off to Sinead O’Connor videos while singing “Oh Danny Boy” and shoving bag-pipes in my ass!!  Go-oooooooo, Irish!!!

 

The Giants fucked the shit out of Green Bay- 38 to 10.  Eli Manning threw 3 touchdowns (getting him to 200 for his career, a Giants record), while New York rushed for 147 yards.  Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers was beaten so badly that, with his bad 1970′s mustache, he began to look like a broken-down porn star who was sitting on the couch of some fucked-up drug deal while a creepy Asian boy threw bang-snaps on the ground.  Just sell the coke and get the fuck out of there, Aaron!!  Don’t worry about the safe!!  And just WHY THE SHIT IS “JESSIE’S GIRL” PLAYING SO GOD-DAMNED LOUDLY ANYWAY?!?!  OH GREAT, NOW WE HAVE TO SIT HERE THROUGH “99 RED BALLOONS”?!?!  I FUCKING HATE GERMAN SINGERS!!!!  YOU SHOULD STICK WITH THE GOD-DAMNED DISCOUNT DOUBLE-CHECK, AARON, AND LEAVE THIS LIFE OF DATED MUSTACHES AND COKE DEALS GONE BAD BEHIND!!!  FUCK!!!!

 

The 49′ers took down the Saints, 31 to 21, behind a solid performance from rookie QB Colin Kaepernick, who continues to play in place of former starter Alex Smith.  Smith said after the game that he felt he deserved to be on the field.  “How can someone lose their job due to a concussion?  I mean, that’s just not right.  I can see losing your job due to a legal problem- like fucking a small animal…like, a koala bear for instance…like when I was vacationing in Australia and I…I’m sorry, I mean ‘my friend’my FRIEND was vacationing in Australia and he got so drunk one night that, after being bet that he wouldn’t do it by his running back Frank Gore, he decided to put a condom on and fuck a koala bear…then I…I mean my FRIEND jizzed and took off the condom and poured the cum on the koala bear’s head and, after being bet by his tight end Vernon Davis, licked up the jizz and yelled ‘Olly Olly Oxen Free!’  Yeah…I…I mean my FRIEND has to go back to Australia for his HIS court date in February.  Damn.”

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the section that sits around Jets super-fan Fireman Ed.  Thankfully for all you lucky bastards, this JERKOFF has decided to “retire his helmet” and will no longer chant J-E-T-S.  He has quit as the loud-mouthed, egotistical, all-about-HIM-and-not-the-game, unofficial mascot of the team.  The key word there is UNOFFICIAL.  No one in the Jets organization ever formally gave this fool an actual position with the team.  In fact, I don’t even know why this cock-sucker needs to “retire”.  He isn’t officially linked to the Jets!!!  That’s like me saying that I have retired from the Harlem Globetrotters.  Yup.  I’ve decided to hang up my red, white & blue sneakers and bucket of confetti.  I shall furthermore retire from working in the White House as a Presidential Butt-Cleaner.  Good bye, America.

See ya tomorrow, peeps!!

-Dave (11/26/12)