Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Ladies & Gentlemen- Your Number One Team in the Nation is…your Notre Dame Fighting Irish! Face! (11/19/12)

 

It’s your November Nineteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and your Notre Dame Fighting Irish have incredibly climbed the latter all the way to Number One.  Yes, THE Notre Dame University- that same school of the shittiness and the Fall From Grace and the bad coaches for around twenty years has remarkably made it to the top spot in college football with a pair of Kansas State (formerly #1) and Oregon (formerly #2) losses on Saturday.  I haven’t been so proud to be Irish since Shane MacGowan threw up on and then sodomized Rob Lowe on network television during the Pogues’ performance on Saturday Night Live on St. Patrick’s Day in 1990.  I was 12 years old at the time and I seem to recall Lowe screaming for mercy; and then Shane slapping Lowe in the face and sticking a funnel in Lowe’s ass and pouring Jameson down it.  The shrieks were horrible.  Then, I remember the Church Lady trying to intervene in the drunken assault yet getting kicked in the mouth and set on fire by the Pogues’ flute player.  Finally, Dieter from “Sprockets” attempted to calm everyone down but the rest of the Pogues’ dismembered him and ate him on live television.  ‘Twas a grand day for the Irish!

 

Meanwhile, Alabama is back up in the rankings at number two.  What this means is that should Notre Dame beat USC this Saturday, and Alabama defeat Georgia, it will be Notre Dame and Alabama playing for the National Championship.  And that will be one FUCK of a great college football game.  The historic Notre Dame going against the legendary Alabama.  It would be as if Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa were real people and got into an actual, real-life boxing match.  And, let’s face it, if Rocky WAS a real person, he probably would have slapped the shit out of Paulie for all the crap that tubby, fucking booze-hound did.  I mean, Paulie talked smack about Rocky’s fucking wife, lost all of Rocky’s money, and generally did all kinds of fucked-up shit.  And somehow Rocky put him in his corner?!  As a member of his fight team?!?!  Bull shit!  Rocky probably would have beaten Paulie to death and hung him in the fucking meat locker that Rocky used to practice in (a la Carbone from Goodfellas)!!!  THAT’S what would have happened if it was real, you sons of bitches!!

 

I guess I’ll give NASCAR my yearly shout out and say congrats to Brad Keselowski for winning the Sprint Cup title.  Listen, I can’t claim to be a NASCAR expert.  I know some of the drivers.  I know a few of the tracks.  I know that my my 1995 Saturn has a broken headlight.  I know that I fucked up one of my window mirrors by slamming my car into my neighbor’s garbage can but that garbage can was in the fucking street, Al!!!  That wasn’t my fucking fault!!  In fact, I should be taking YOU to court for blocking a roadway with a fucking garbage can, Al, you fucking asshole!!!

 

The Patriots’ excellent tight end, Rob Gronkowski, broke his forearm yesterday in New England’s 59 to 24 thrashing of the Colts.  Gronk has this for a comment:  “Gronk sad.  Gronk ouch.  Gronk scared fire.  Gronk no like flashy things.  Gronk hate robots.  Gronk afraid of Star Wars.  Why?  Flashies, fires, AND robots!  All in one movie!  Gronk’s worst nightmare!!!  GRRRRRRRRONK!!!!”

 

Here are some more scores from yesterday’s NFL games:

* Broncos 30, Chargers 23

* Ravens 13, Steelers 10

* Lifesavers 42, Certs 6

* Duckies 14, Kitties 13

* Maury’s 17, Jerry’s 10

* Farts 28, Poos 27

* Harry’s 20, Potter’s 20

* Knotts 35, Rickles 34

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Saints’ Drew Brees who threw three TD’s against the Raiders as New Orleans beat Oakland- 38 to 17.  The Saints are BACK, dogsie.  And they have a very real shot of getting into the playoffs.  Whereas I have NO shot of getting into the NYU Adult Education Film Program, because I sent my application with a seven-minute short film of me jerking off onto a pumpkin…oh well…

See ya tomorry, Dave Pound!!

-Dave (11/19/12)