Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Phil Jackson- “The Lakers are officially lying cunts.” (11/13/12)

 

It’s your November Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Phil Jackson is pissed.  And to piss off Phil Jackson is to anger a super-villain-genius who may melt you with his eyes into a fleshy skin-puddle that he will then scoop up with his hands and rub on his face, stealing your very essence.  Thus, the Lakers’ general manager Mitch Kupchak and vice president Jim Buss better watch the fuck out.  After it was revealed in the media that L.A. went with Mike D’Antoni for the coaching position because Jackson requested too much to come back to the team, Jackson and his agent are claiming that in fact the Lakers were putting out lies regarding Jackson’s contractual wants.  In other words, Kupchack and Buss, get ready to have your fucking faces melted off, you dummies.  You don’t fuck with the Zen Master.  Phil Jackson has been known to cause monkey’s heads to explode just by staring at them.  And it was Phil Jackson who taught Darth Vader how to choke people simply by raising a finger in their direction.  Alas, Phil Jackson once impregnated a woman and then performed an abortion, all with his MIND…just because he could.  You done fucked up, Lakers…you done fucked up.

 

The Steelers’ Ben Roethlisberger was knocked out of last night’s game against the Chiefs with a shoulder injury (Pittsburgh beat Kansas City in OT- 16 to 13).  Sources are saying that the injury may put Roethlisberger out two to four weeks.  On the bright side, the more time off from the football field that Roethlisberger gets, the more rapin’ he can get done!!!  Yeeeehhhaaaww!!  Let’s pretend it’s the old days, Big Ben, and get liquored up and a-go on a-rapin’ jag!!!  Let’s rape ‘em all!!!  Yeeehhhaaww!!  Mexicans!!  Russians!!  Samoans!!  Line the fuck up ladies for a good ol’ fashioned Drunken Steeler Rapin’!!!  Yabba Dabba Doo!!

 

Mike Trout and Bryce Harper have been named the American League and National League rookies of the year respectively.  In related news, I’ve just been given the 2012 “Local New Jersey Broadcaster Most Likely To Masturbate In A Radio Station Bathroom And Wipe The Cum On One Of The Microphones To Get Back At A Co-Worker Who Said That My Car Was A Piece Of Shit, Well, Like The Millennium Falcon, The Car Might Not Look Like Much But She’s Got It Where It Counts, Cum-Face” award.  Thank you.

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Lebron James whose 38 points led the Heat over the Rockets- 113 to 110.  Congrats, Lebron.  (The winner of the DMPD gets a one-way ticket to New Jersey, where the winner will dine with a red-headed man in the garage as the winner is tied to a chair and the red-head brags to the winner about how good he is at Double Dribble, the old Nintendo basketball game, while the winner points a gun at the winner and informs him that “he’s never leaving.”)

See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!

-Dave (11/13/12)