It’s your November Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Lakers have thrown us all a curve ball that landed straight in our asses. After several reports from ESPN and other “sports news” organizations stated that a deal between the Lakers and Phil Jackson returning to the team as head coach was imminent, L.A. went and signed Mr. Run-And-Gun-And-No-Fucking-Defense Mike D’Antoni to take over instead. Bam!! Take THAT, Phil Jackson, you piece of shit!! I mean, all you did was rescue the organization out of obscurity in the late ’90′s; get Shaq and Kobe (two individuals who despise each other more than the Jew and Palestinian) to get along; win yourself a fucking Three-peat; then come out of retirement; and lead a Shaq-less, Kobe-led Lakers to back-to-back fucking titles, winning FIVE championships in all!!! That’s ALL you fucking did, shit-heel!! And for that, the Lakers fuck you in the ass when you were packing your fucking suitcase last night and boarding a plane for L.A.!! We here at the DMSR, in fact, have a memo from the Lakers organization intended for Phil Jacskon:

“Dear Phil, looks like you been PUNK’D, dawg!!! Hahahaha!! Now take your brittle, Christopher Reeve back and go lie in bed, you God-Damned hobbling wookie!!! Hahahaha!!!”

The NCAA football rankings are out and, with Alabama’s stunning loss on Saturday, Kansas State is the new number one team in the nation. Oregon is second. And Notre Dame is third. College football pundits are saying that the only way Notre Dame will play for the National Championship is if Kansas State or Oregon loses. If all three teams win out, analysts are stating, the Irish will be on the outside looking in. This is a tough one for me, as I am an objective journalist, yet also a Notre Dame fan. Thus, as a neutral writer, let me say to the NCAA that if they do not let the Fighting Irish play for the title, then I, along with some of my relatives in the “Home Country” will pay a little visit to the BCS Headquarters that will be so EXPLOSIVE that the old mother-fuckers in charge will wish they were in the middle of fucking Iraq instead!!! BAM!! BOOM!! ZOOM!! Then, we’ll take the wives of the BCS committee and show them our Irish Curses while we piss on their fucking faces!!! Lastly, we’ll find the first Gallagher brother we see, be it Liam OR Noel, and drunkenly slap the shit out of him for being a Limey piece o’ shite!!! Fairly-fucking-well, NCAA!!!

The Falcons lost their first game of the season yesterday by being beaten by the Saints- 31 to 27. Forget it, the Falcons are done. As for the Saints, they’re BACK, baby. Ohhh yeeaahh…they’re back…and they’re sexier than ever…yeeaahhh…oh this is sexxxxxxy….you feelin’ sexxxy, daddy? Yeaaaahhhh, I bet you are!! Yeaahhh!!!

…Sorry. I should never have porn, specifically “Girls Who Like Putting Birds In Their Pussies IV”, on the TV when I’m trying to write. Please move along.