Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!


Ozzie Guillen- FIRED! By the Marlins! Davey Mac- HIRED! By the flower shop! (10/24/12)


It’s your October Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Ozzie Guillen has been FIRED after one season as manager of the Miami Marlins.  The Marlins organization cites an “under-performing” team as the reason they gave Ozzie his walking papers.  But in this journalist’s opinion, I believe Miami was just waiting to let Ozzie go after his Castro comments in a magazine interview.  You may recall that Ozzie praised Castro for eluding assassination by the U.S. government.  You may NOT recall that Guillen also said in another, obscure magazine article, “I betcha Castro has a big dick.  I don’t know why, it’s just a feeling I have…I simply feel that Castro has a Pringles can in his pants.  I wouldn’t mind checking it out.  He’s still alive, right?  Maybe I could go down to Cuba with a ruler and measure his cock.  Is this off the record?  Anyway, I’d jerk him off, if given the chance.  Are you recording this?  Anyway, I could see me, the guy from North Korea, and Castro in a circle jerk, just having a good ole’ time.  You’re not writing this down are you?  Anyway, I wouldn’t mind rubbing my beard on Castro’s beard while he sticks Twizzlers in my ass.  Are…are you sure this is off the record?  …Shit, man, I fucking hope so…”


Meanwhile, another fired jerk-face, Mr. Bobby Valentine, formerly of the Red Sox, decided to talk shit about David Ortiz on his way out the door in Boston.  Valentine implied that Oritz quit on the team once they traded away some of their stars; feeling that the season is over.  It’s an allegation that the Red Sox and Ortiz both vehemently deny.  That’s a real smart move, Bobby V.  Alienate EVERYONE, including the last people to give you a job, in baseball.  Burn them fucking bridges, Bobby!!  Brooklyn Bridge?  Bobby just emptied an army tanker full of gasoline and lit a match!!  Boom!!!  Golden Gate Bridge?  Bobby just got a case of Acme dynamite and—BAM!!!  The London Bridge?  Jesus Christ, Bobby, that fucking bridge isn’t even American don’t do i—BLAWB!!!!!!  …damn, Bobby V, damn…


The World Series begins tonight.  The Tigers take on the Giants in San Francisco for Game 1.  My prediction- Tigers in 9.  I know that that’s supposedly not “feasible” in a 7 game series, but if I can break into Matt Lauer’s house and take an Instagram pic of myself taking a shit in his bed, then ANYTHING’s possible, dogsie.


The Davey Mac Player of the Day, and this is kind of abstract, goes to the NBA center.  That’s right.  The great position that gave us Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell, Kareem, Shaq, and on and on, will now no longer be recognized by the NBA All Star Game.  The league has decided to replace the positions of center and two forwards with once inclusive (and ultimately meaningless) term, called “front-court.”  This is mainly due to the fact that truly great centers are becoming extinct.  And that is why the NBA should be ENCOURAGING more big men to play like conventional centers, rather than giving in to the misguided theory that old-school centers are out-dated.  But will ya look at me? Six-plus sentences in to this paragraph and I haven’t made a joke or even a satirical comment yet.  OK, ok…I’m gonna go outside and rape the first dog that I see.  Then I’m gonna shove a Twinkie in my dick-hole.  In retrospect, those aren’t really jokes as much as they are confessions.  See ya.

See you homies tomorrow!!  Programming Note- the Davey Mac Sports Program will be on Ustream THURSDAY at 7 PM EST!!  NOT Wednesday!!  THURSDAY!  The show will then be uploaded to and iTunes after the broadcast!!  Thank you!!

-Dave (10/24/12)