It’s your October Twenty-Second Davey Mac Sports Report and the San Francisco Giants have won the last two games of the NLCS and forced a Game 7 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Game 7 will be played tonight in San Fran. I tells ya, this evening’s contest is a damn toss-up. Go ahead- toss that fucking coin straight in the air!! But make sure you don’t stand directly under the coin when it comes down or it’ll take your eye right fucking out!! I know from experience!! My Uncle Kenneth was an NFL referee and lost his eye to an errant coin toss at a Ravens – Steelers match-up!! “Get out of the way, Kenneth!!!” we all exclaimed. But the son of a bitch didn’t listen. He had to wear an eye patch. Then, six weeks later, Uncle Kenneth tossed another coin during an overtime battle between the Eagles and Browns. “Get out of the way, Kenneth!!” we shouted. He didn’t listen. He had to get another eye patch. But he still kept going. The following week, during a Chargers – Cowboys game, he blindly tossed up the coin. “For the love of Jesus, get out of the fucking way, Kenneth!!” we screamed. He didn’t listen. The quarter hit his wind-pipe, crushing his larynx. And that’s the ballad of Uncle Kenneth- The Blind, Mute Referee.
All seven of Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France titles have been stripped from him; as his legacy as one of the greatest athletes of all time comes crumbling down. This is why I don’t do performance-enhancing drugs. No. Not the Dave Man. The Dave Man only does performance-worsening drugs. Such as LSD. Which I’m currently on as I write this. As an aside, I like when my fingers feel like waffles and my tongue feels like maple syrup…as is happening right now. Also, I think that Al Roker is most likely a demon-monster from Hades. The Today Show is on the TV and I’m pretty sure Al is sending murderous mind-messages to other Satan-worshipers to unite and overthrow the government. You know what we should do? We should kill Al Roker.
The Giants beat the Redskins yesterday on a 77-yard pass from Eli Manning to Victor Cruz with 1:13 left to play to give the G-Men a 27 to 23 victory over Washington. After getting in the end zone, Cruz then celebrated by doing his now-famous Salsa Dance. I have a celebration dance of my own. Except I call it the Ketchup Dance. And it usually entails me pouring a bottle of Heinz on myself at two o’clock in the morning after I’ve had 18 Budweisers and have decided to not wear pants as my three-footed dog cowers in terror.
The Patriots beat the Jets in Overtime- 29 to 26- despite Tim Tebow throwing for 300 yards and two touchdowns in the game…just kidding…he barely fucking played again!!! Oh, what a maroon!!! He thought he was gonna get to play when he signed with the Jets!!! Hahahahaha!!! What a card!!! What a fucking dope!! He thought he was going to be able to actually throw the football for New York!!! Hahahahaha!! What a dick-nose!! What a God-fearing, Christian weirdo with a DICK for a nose!!! Hahahahaha!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Aaron Rodgers, who threw for 342 yards and 3 TD’s in the Packers’ 30 to 20 win over the Rams. Is it me, or does Aaron Rodgers remind you of a 2012 version of Bing Crosby? You know, with the droopy eyes and the Yogi the Bear-esque voice? Is it just me that thinks that? Judging from the silence that is now in the room…I guess…shit…I guess it is just me. I need to stop doing acid.
See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!
-Dave (10/22/12)