It’s your October Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and, let’s be honest, the Yankees cannot hit the fucking cock off a rooster. I’m not even sure that that is a real expression. But I’m going with it anyway. I’m so depressed. As a Yankees fan, it’s difficult to watch your team pick the shit out of each other’s asses rather than swing the bat. Honestly, I don’t think that that last sentence is an expression either…but I’m stickin’ with it. I know, I know- the Yankees had to hit against Justin Verlander last night. But actually, they had performed well against Verlander…so, as a STUPID fucking Yankee fan…I strangely had hope that they might win. I was wrong. I should get my head flushed in the toilet by a fat person. Or maybe I could get pissed on by a dwarf. Or possibly I could get sodomized by an elephant. It doesn’t matter…shit don’t matter no more, Ese.

Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant said that he called A-Rod (after he was benched for Game 3) and said that he reminded A-Rod that he’s “the best.” No offense to Kobe, but this is why basketball players should not give advice to baseball players. Not only are the two sports totally different, but I have to shit. I’ve been eating Cool Ranch Doritos all morning and now they’re beginning to come out of my butt. Seriously. I can feel the chips exiting. And yet, I still haven’t gotten up to go to the bathroom. You know why? Because I have to write this Sports Report for YOU, you son of a bitch.

What Kobe doesn’t know is that A-Rod reportedly was sending baseballs out to two broads DURING GAME 1; asking them to write down their phone numbers on said balls. Me…I would never do something as sleazy as that. I would simply follow the girls home and rummage through their garbage cans where I would hope to find used tampons that I could jerk off on.

Oh, by the way. In case you’re a Yankees fan and dislike Justin Verlander for dominating your team last night, guess who he’s going out with? Yeah…you guessed it…Kate Upton. I, a loyal Yankees fan, am going to excuse myself and chop my dick off. I’ll be back in a very bloody minute.

Some other sports shit happened like Eagles head coach Andy Reid firing his defensive coordinator even though it is the offense that sucks; the Browns will sell their team causing Mike Holmgren to retire as team president; a judge orders Roger Goodell to turn over all Saints Bounty Gate evidence; Zombie Babe Ruth eats Zombie Lou Gehrig; Shaquille O’Neal kills twenty tourists in Disney World with his bare hands; aliens kidnap Lance Armstrong and force him to have sex with an alien princess; Bob Uecker decapitates Mr. Belvedere; and the Atlanta Hawks push old people into mud.