It’s your October Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the teams by the Bay kicked the ass and they kicked it hard last night, dogsie. The San Francisco Giants, down two games to none in their series against the Reds, won in extra innings- 2 to 1. And the A’s, in the same position as the Giants, shut out the Tigers- two to nothing. Well, there you fucking go. I visited the Bay Area when I was a kid. Went to Alcatraz (jerked off). Visited the Golden Gate Bridge (spanked the dick into the water below). Took a trip to Jedediah Smith Redwoods State Park (exploded the cock while in a giant Redwood tree onto a squirrel’s head). Incidentally, that park is where they filmed Return of the Jedi…which is why I suppose I was pretending to be an Ewok when I was jerking it. Yub nub!! Eee chop, yub nub!!!
We here at the Sports Report broke the story yesterday (via our Top Secret sources looking it up on Google and The Internet) that former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted pedophile Jerry Sandusky has been sentenced to a minimum of 30 years for his crimes…and now we have some new, breaking information just for YOU, the loyal DMSR reader. Jerry Sandusky’s balls smell like old cheese. Trust us. We can’t tell you how we get you this exclusive info…but it’s true. Also, his ass feels like Play-Doh that’s been put in a microwave. Again, you’re just gonna have to take our word for it. If you were to feel Jerry Sandusky’s ass…it would feel like stale Play-Doh that had been left on the floor, pissed on by a dog, and then put in the microwave on HIGH for 2 minutes. Lastly, Jerry Sandusky has cum under his fingernails. We can’t tell you how we know…we just do.
Jets head coach Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with under-performing quarterback Mark Sanchez; even though Sanchez is DEAD LAST in completion percentage (48.4) and 31st in passer rating (66.6). In other news, the pilot of the Hidenburg zeppelin stated in a press conference- “Everything is fine. We’re having a nice ride and…is it getting a little warm in here or is it just me? Probably is me. I’m wearing this sweater vest and…do you smell smoke? I thought I smelled smoke but, I ALWAYS think I’m smelling smoke! Hahaha! It’s just one of those things, I guess!! Anyway, like I was saying, I have a T-shirt on, AND a button-down, AND a sweater vest and, honestly, the sweater vest is probably just one article of clothing too mu– is the blimp on fire? Did you see that? I think this thing may be on fire. But then again, I’m probably hallucinating. I’ve been drinking this old-timey cough medicine and it’s like, WHOA DADDY! The Captain is a-trippin’!!! Anyway, maybe I’ll take this sweater vest off and relax and— was that an explosion? I thought I heard an explosion. Ahhhh, it probably was just my imagination. I’m always pretending that things are————————-”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Alex Karras, former Detroit Lion great who died this morning. Some also may remember Karras as the dad on the TV show Webster. And still others may believe, as I do, that it was Emmanuel Lewis (Webster himself) who most likely killed Karras by strangling him with a piano wire. FIN.