It’s your October Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and RAUL IBANEZ. That’s all we can say. Ibanez, one of the Yankees’ most clutch hitters this season, came up huge again last night…not once…but TWICE, baby-face. With the Yankees down by a run in the bottom of the ninth, Ibanez slammed a pinch-hit home run to tie the game. And then, in the bottom of the 12th, Ibanez hit another homer to win the game for New York; who now leads Baltimore 2 games to 1 in their series. Honestly, it was more exciting than watching your Uncle Larry shit in a bucket on Main Street in the middle of town and then collecting twenty bucks from your Uncle Bob who bet you that Larry “wouldn’t do it.” Well, he DID do it, Uncle Bob. Now you best give me my dang twenty dollars or we’s gonna have an old-fashioned shootout, partner!!! Bang-bang!!! Yeeeeeehhaaawww!!!!
Oh, by the way…who did Ibanez pinch-hit for? A little guy named Alex Rodriguez. Geez Louise, is it amazing to see how far A-Rod has fallen or what? Don’t answer that. But can you believe a three-time MVP would be removed in the ninth inning of a postseason game for another hitter? Don’t answer that, either. And can you imagine if human males had ten little dicks where their toes are? You don’t have to answer that one. And if I put ten Jolly Ranchers in my butt, and then re-wrap them, and give them to children on Halloween, could I get in trouble? You probably shouldn’t answer that. And should I report “my friend” to the authorities if he jerked off onto the cavemen exhibit in the New York Museum of Natural History? Don’t bother answering that. And would you believe that the “friend” I was speaking of is actually me? Answer that.
Meanwhile, the A’s and Giants both beat the Tigers and Reds respectively to force Games 5′s in their series. Wait, is that right? Is the plural of “series” also series? Because I was writing about two different serieses there. Hold on, that time I wrote the plural of “series” as serieses. That doesn’t look right. But then again, it just seems weird that the plural of “series” would be the fucking word “series”!!! I mean, what the fuck is going on around here?!?! What did midgets with eye-patches and hard-ons invent the fucking English language?!?! Shit, I need to stop drinking rum in the morning!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day could go to the aforementioned Raul Ibanez…and it probably should. But instead, I’m giving it to Paul Simon for writing the song “The Obivous Child”, which I like to listen to when I’m highin’. Thank you, Paul, even if you do look like Old Bilbo Baggins these days, you write one hell of a song, Hobbit-boy.