Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

The Yankees draw First Blood against the Orioles! Meanwhile, the Tigers Rambo the A’s! And the Nationals Rocky IV the Cardinals! (10/8/12)

 

It’s your October Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and with a Game 1 win over the Orioles, the Yankees are hoping to destroy the hearts of Baltimore worse than when Omar and Brother Mouzone whacked Stringer Bell.  B-More never got over that…and they never will.  And now it looks like the city is in for another nightmare scenario as the Yankees, behind solid pitching from C.C. Sabathia, scored 5 runs in the ninth inning to beat the O’s, 7 to 2.  Let’s be honest.  C.C., when he is on his game, is still a hell of a pitcher.  And now let’s be REALLY honest- he’s also very fat.  I’m a fan of his and all, but Good Lord does he have one gigantic stomach.  I’m sometimes afraid that he is gonna eat the baseball while he’s on the pitcher’s mound.  Sometimes, after Jeter makes a particularly good play, C.C. stares at him the way Philip Seymour Hoffman gazed at Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights…only I don’t think C.C. wants to kiss Jeter…I’m pretty sure he wants to eat him.  Once, I thought I saw C.C. buttering manager Joe Girardi in the dugout; preparing to have him as a snack.  And I also saw C.C. devour Ichiro…only to eat Kiroda an hour later, because he was still hungry.  Please consider putting yourelf on a diet, C.C., before you eat the Yankees starting lineup!

 

By defeating the Cardinals, 3 to 2, the Nationals have become the first Washington D.C.-based MLB team to win a playoff game since 1933.  Good for Washington, it’s such a virtuous town, filled with honest, fair-minded people who are good, salt-of-the-earth Americans.  Wait a second…sorry…I was thinking of Toledo, Ohio…FUCK D.C., the fucking City of Political Shit-Bags and Congressional Pig-Sluts!!!  FUCK OFF!!!

 

Meanwhile, the Tigers and Reds respectively are in command of their respective series, leading the A’s and Giants respectively, 2 games to one.  I have no respective predictions for the two respective series respectively, except that I respectively respect Aretha Franklin’s classic, “Respect.”

 

A bunch of NFL football was played yesterday, too.  Here are some scores-

Patriots 31, Broncos 21

Giants 41, Browns 27

Coke 17, Pepsi 14

Transformers 35, Gobots 3

Peanut Butter 12, Jelly 9

Smurfs 24, Snorks 13

Dicks 42, Cocks 40

Eight Is Enough 38, Just The Ten Of Us 10

and in the upset of the day Ewoks 21, Wookies 17

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Saints QB Drew Brees, who has broken Johnny Unitas’ record of most consecutive NFL games with at least one touchdown pass.  By throwing a TD last night against the Chargers, Brees has thrown one in 48 straight games.  Afterwards, Brees commented about his remarkable achievement- “First of all, I’d say that I am honored to be compared to Johnny Unitas, but then, I’d be lying.  The truth is, I’d wipe my ass with Johnny U’s retarded buzz cut and fucked-up sneakers.  I mean, when did he even play ayway, the fucking 1800′s?!?!  Even my frightening Frankenstein mole is better than that fucking guy!!  In fact, I’m seriously considering going to Unitas’ grave, digging up his body, and fucking it in the ass in the middle of the night while chanting ‘Who Dat.’  Johnny U can suck my dick!!  Peace out, bitches.”

See ya tomorrow, Friend-Pals!!

-Dave (10/8/12)