It’s your October Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and ok, I admit it, that headline was indeed meant in a sexual way. Don’t blame yourself. YOU are not the perverts. We are. And, yes, I’m writing “we” as if this thing is written by a staff of writers. That’s my little trick. When I don’t want the heat squarely on my shoulders, I write things like “We‘ve discovered that Tigers Woods is growing a tumor on his dick…and that the tumor itself is taking the shape of a dick…so in summation, Tiger Woods appears to have a Double Dick at this point.” See? I said “we’ve”. This way, when I inevitably get sued, I can blame it on some fictitious Sports Report staff and spread the blame “their” way…the imaginary suckers that “they” are!! Hahahaha!!!
Anyway, as I said earlier, I indeed did intend the headline to be of a sexual connotation. Because quite frankly, the A’s fucked the shit out of the Texas Rangers, right there in the heart of Oakland. The Rangers (who for a long stretch this season were dubbed “the best team in baseball”) blew a massive lead in the division (thirteen fucking games) to find themselves tied with the A’s on the final day of the season. And then on the 162nd game of the year, the Rangers blew a 5 to 1 lead to Oakland, and ended up getting routed, 12 to 5. I haven’t seen a team choke this the 2011 Boston Red Sox. And that was, like, a whole fucking year ago!!! And in this American era of No-Attention-Span Humanoids, one entire year is, like, FOREVER ago!!! Shit, I was probably shitting in diapers and eating crayons!! And yeah, I know that I was 33 this time last year, but like I said, I was probably shitting in diapers and eating crayons!!! Don’t dispute me!!
Meanwhile, the Yankees were able to crush the Red Sox (14 to 2) and in doing so, won the A.L. East and wrapped up the number one seed in the American League. I expect the Yankees to play well in the playoffs and likely make it to the World Series. But then again, I expect a butler named Pierre to shine my ass like it is a pair of fine shoes and call me Captain Cum…so I guess sometimes our expectations are not met.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera, who has become the first man since 1967 to hit for the Triple Crown. Cabrera led the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs, and 139 runs batted in. That’s a good year. Is it as good as 1993 when Steven Spielberg put out one of the greatest action movies of all time, Jurassic Park, in the summer…and then multiple Oscar-winner (including Best Picture), Schindler’s List, in the winter? No. No, I’m afraid not, Miguel. But good job nonetheless, you non-dinosaur-movie-making-Liam-Neeson-hating son of a bitch!!!