It’s your October Third Davey Mac Sports Report and if Hollywood wants to write a sequel to Moneyball, all they have to do is flash forward exactly ten years to the 2012 MLB season where this year’s A’s have shockingly come out of nowhere to tie the Texas Rangers for FIRST PLACE in the A.L. West, with the two teams playing tonight in Oakland on the last day of the season to decide it all (after the A’s beat the Rangers last night- 3 to 1). And if Hollywood does decide to make Moneyball 2, I’d like to put myself in the running for the Jonah Hill role. Now, sure, I’m not fat the way Jonah Hill’s character was in the movie. But, at this point, neither is Jonah Fucking Hill!! I mean, how much weight is that guy gonna lose?! I’m afraid he’s either Bulimic or has some new flesh-eating Pig Virus or some insane combination of both…like maybe a Bulimic Pig is slowly eating him, I don’t know, I’m on ‘shrooms!! In any event, unlike Jonah, who only eats lettuce and Triscuits in order to get to Mick Jagger weight these days, Davey Mac, like the true ACTOR he is, will De Niro this shit and gain sixty pounds if it means I can party with Brad Pitt for six weeks!!! Come on, Hollywood, stop being pussies!!!
Meanwhile the Yankees came back to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth yesterday on a Raul Ibanez home run; and then won it in the 12th on an Ibanez single. As a result, the Yanks’ magic number is 1…and should they either win or the Orioles lose tonight, New York will win the A.L. East. Another division that has gone down to the final day of the season. I don’t know about you, but I’m so giddy with baseball excitement that I could flog an elderly person who is taking too long in the butcher’s section at the supermarket with a mother-fucking bullwhip!! It’s like, “Just buy a few chicken cutlets and a couple of steaks, you old bitch!!! There are OTHER people in this fucking line!!!”
Speaking of whips, why does Indiana Jones not get the credit he deserves as an athlete? He’s probably the greatest rodeo man the world has ever seen. I mean, do you think legendary rodeo showman “Buffalo” Bill Cody could swing from window ledges eighty feet high (IN THE RAIN, mind you) at a Nazi castle, in order to rescue his dad (who had banged his Austrian girlfriend just DAYS before, mind you)? Well, DO you??? The answer is NO! Buffalo Bill couldn’t TOUCH Indiana Jones. Buffalo Bill couldn’t even touch Short-Round…but that’s probably a good thing…for legal reasons…
Former Penn State assistant football coach and the guy who was afraid to punch pedophile Jerry Sandusky when he saw him raping a child in the shower, Mike McQueary, is suing Penn State University for defamation and misrepresentation. To me, this suit seems almost as frivolous as the time I sued my dick in New Jersey State Court, alleging that it “caused me millions of dollars in distress by peeing on me too much.” The case was thrown out.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Major League Baseball, for being so much fun in a mother-fucking pennant race. THANK YOU, MLB, for making me so happy. Now, can you also figure a way to get rid of the boils on my ass? Thanks in advance.