Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

The remaining unbeaten teams in the NFL are: the Falcons, Texans and…Cardinals??? Whaaaaaaa?!?!?!?! (10/1/12)

 

It’s your October First Davey Mac Sports Report and we have only three undefeated teams left in the NFL…and one of them is the Arizona Cardinals.  Seriously.  I’m not joking.  I mean, does THIS look like a man who doesn’t take things seriously?

 

OK…well…maybe that wasn’t the best example.  So let me try again.  Does this look like the face of a man who is NOT as serious as they come?!

 

Fuck.  OK.  Listen.  I’m not always so good with this kind of shit.  Let me give it another go…so is this NOT the image of a strikingly SERIOUS individual?!

 

FUCK!!!!!!  OK, how about THIS picture?!?!?

 

THIS PICTURE?!?!?

 

IS THIS ONE FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!

 

Maybe there’ll be a serious picture of me as a fucking kid?!?!

 

…oh, screw it.

 

Anyway, the Falcons beat the Panthers on a last-second field goal, 30 to 28.  Cam Newton had a big fumble late in the game that cost the Panthers a chance to put it away.  If I was Cam Newton, I’d try to get an endorsement deal with Fig Newtons.  And maybe the commercial could feature Cam Newton dressed up as a big, football-playing Fig Newton running over candy bars, signifying that Fig Newtons are better for you than chocolate.  And then, at the end of the commercial, a fat giant picks up Cam Fig Newton and bites into him and says to the camera, “I just LOVE eating Cam Newton Fig Newtons.  I eat them all the time.”  And maybe the giant has blood squirting from his mouth and then we see Cam Newton screaming in pain as he is being cannibalized right in front of us.  And then the camera pulls back to reveal that all of this was just the dream of a retarded child and that St. Eligius and all the shitty characters in St. Elsewhere were just a figment of the little asshole’s fucked-up imagination!!!

 

The Eagles beat the Giants last night- 19 to 17.  Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes fell short on a 54-yard field goal that would have won the game for the G-Men.  The win improves Philly to 3 and 1.  And as a totally unrelated aside, I am having massive stomach problems that I am blaming on the game…but probably had more to do with eating ribs this morning that were left out in my garage since Friday in room temperature next to some paint thinner and gasoline cans.  Now that I think about it, in fact, I’m pretty sure the Giants game had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m bleeding internally.  Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be at the hospital.

 

The Jets got absolutely fucking DESTROYED by the 49′ers yesterday- 34 to nothing.  After the game, Jets coach Rex Ryan spoke to the media and gave what he deemed was a “good recipe for an ass-kicking.”  Said Ryan, “First, you take a pound of sugar.  Then some butter.  A sprinkling of parsley would be nice.  And a little pepper…and…maybe I’m taking this ‘recipe’ thing too literally…I don’t know anymore…I just want to get real liquored up and take pictures of my wife’s feet…peace.”

 

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to, and I hate to do this, but those damned Europeans for mounting an historic comeback against the Americans in golf’s international battle, the Ryder Cup.  Good for you, Europe…now go pack up your shit and head to Asia ’cause good ole U.S.A. is gonna bomb you mother-fuckers back to the Stone Age with some red, white, and blue fire power!!!  Bombs away!!!!!!

See ya tomorrow, Dave Pound!

-Dave (10/1/12)