It’s your September Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and thank you, Jesus, for giving us back the real NFL referees who will be officiating the rest of the games of the year. First off, I for one am relieved we don’t have to talk about Replacement Refs anymore. Secondly, I do believe that the opening sentence in this paragraph is the first time in recorded history that anyone has thanked Jesus for giving us referees who, before this season, were among the most loathsome sons of bitches on the planet, next to pedophiles, Nazi’s, Nazi-Pedophiles, Nazi-philes, and Pedo-azi’s. In fact, I believe it is the first time a deity of ANY kind has been thanked for the men in stripes. And that includes Buddha, his Hindu buddy Frank, and that freaky Indian Monkey-God that can fly. Finally, and most important of all, this means that referee-extraordinaire Ed “Terminator” Hochuli and his twenty-four inch biceps are back and are ready to make some seriously INTENSE holding penalty signals, brother!!!! Yeaaaaahhh!!!!
I can’t believe I would ever say this, but…I love you, Real Referees. I really do. I guess I never told you before…but it’s true. I now realize how much you mean to me, and I’m glad we’re back together. And if this sounds romantic, even sexual, in nature…well…it’s because it is intended that way. I wish Ed Hochuli would cradle me like the man-baby that I am and the two of us could elope in France. Ed and I would feed each other cheesecake and visit the Louvre. I love you referees, dammit, I really do…
As for the Replacement Refs…well…I HATE you sons of bitches. I know that many in the media are solely blaming the NFL for putting you in a bad position. But I also blame YOU, you SCAB cock-suckers. And I swear that I WILL get revenge on you inept, incapable, and inadequate mother-fuckers as if I am a swordsman from The Princess Bride. Hello. My name is Dave-igo Mactoya. You killed my Monday Night Football. Prepare to die!!!
Lastly, I have written a classy and informative memo to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who helped perpetuate this embarrassment:
Dear Mr. Goodell,
You have a really fat neck and no chin. You sort of look like Patrick the Starfish from “SpongeBob SquarePants.” Then again, you also have very womanly features…which makes sense…as you are a bit of a cunt. In conclusion, Mr. Goodell, please take the “NFL Shield” and shove it straight up your dick-hole. Good day.
Sincerely, David McDonald
PS- You probably smell like farts.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to, who else, the NFL referees for coming back and nearly restoring order to my life. Now if I can only get George Lucas to somehow erase Star Wars Episodes I & II from my brain and my life will be fucking perfect!!!