Its your September Twentieth Davey Mac Sports Report and by getting his 200th hit of the season last night, Derek Jeter has tied Lou Gehrig for the most 200-hit seasons as a Yankee. This comes three years after Jeter broke Gehrig’s Yankee record for most hits by a Bronx Bomber. Somewhere in Heaven, Gehrig must be looking down, and saying, “Holy shit, is this guy gonna break ALL of my fucking Yankee records?!?! I mean, what did I do to this asshole?!?! And talk about a privileged life!! Jeter’s bangin’ a new Hollywood starlet and/or model every other night and I died from a horrific disease that they named after me as some sort of SICK consolation prize!!! In fact, I bet Jeter will try to get HIS own fucking disease, too, the son of a bitch!!! Only his ‘disease’ will be some sort of magical virus that makes your dick bigger!!! Luckiest man on the face of the earth?????? Fuck off!!! Jesus Christ!!!”
Jesus: Yes, Lou?
Gehrig: Can you kill Jeter for me?
Jesus: No. No I cannot, Lou.
The Orioles won in extra innings yesterday for the fifteenth straight time this season; the longest streak of its kind since 1949 when the Indians won 17 straight extra-inning games. Do you know how fucking LONG ago 1949 is? They didn’t have iPads back then!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!! What a bunch of nincompoops!! Also, in 1949, there were no iPhones!!!! Hahahahaha!!!!! ASSHOLES!!! No iPods, or iTouches, iShoes, or iMeatballs, or iJizz, or iMidgets, or iMonsters, or iFarts either!!! Hahahaha!!! What a bunch of fucking maroons!!! Damn, the ’40′s must’ve sucked dicks!!! I’m Dave McDonald, and this has been Dave’s Retarded Time Capsule Editorial…good day.
Reds manager Dusty Baker has an irregular heartbeat and will have to stay in the hospital for a while to get some tests done. I always liked the song “Son Of A Preacher Man” and to hear about his heart—
—what? Dusty Sprinfield you say?? Well shit, I guess I just had a bit of a brain-fart is all. Anyway, my favorite thing that Dusty “The American Dream” Baker ever did was put Abdullah the Butcher in a head-lock and—
—huh? That was Dusty Rhodes????? Well, what the fuck is wrong with the Dave Man today?!?! My guess would be the five quarts of NyQuil and DayQuil that I’ve drank down while eating some low-grade Ecstasy!! That would be MY fucking guess!!!!
Boxer Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. tested positive for marijuana after his fight on Saturday against Sergio Martinez. Who the shit smokes pot before a boxing match?!?! I mean, sure, I know that Roger Waters once failed a weed test before his bout with Joe Frazier in 1970. And, yeah, I guess I do recall that Jerry Garcia reportedly smoked the herb before his famous fight against Ali in 1973 (named the Stumble In The Jungle). Oh, and I currently am smoking up some ganja before I challenge Vitali Klitschko to a no-holds-barred death match…but BESIDES THAT, no one should be smoking pot before a fight for fuck’s sake!!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Dodgers’ Matt Kemp, whose home run led the Dodgers over the Nationals in Game 2 of a double-header, 7 to 6. I’d like him better if his name was Matt Hemp. Hey, Roger, Jerry, and Woody Harrelson, we got some sweet Matt Hemp over here, dawgs!!! Smoke it up!!!!!