Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose…and you can pick off Peyton Manning three fucking times in the first quarter! (9/18/12)

 

It’s your September Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Peyton Manning threw the ball like Cooper “Graham Cracker Neck” Manning last night, throwing three interceptions in the first quarter, as the Broncos lost to the Falcons- 27 to 21.  I can’t necessarily prove it but I’m pretty sure Manning was intoxicated during the game.  His eyes looked red, and he was sweating a lot.  Basically he looked like me on any given Friday, after I’ve imbibed in an 18-pack of Budweiser and some Jack Daniels, and have filled up a baby pool with my own shit, and have then dove like Greg Louganis (minus the AIDS) into the pool, all fucked-up-like.  I mean, just look at this picture of Peyton:

Now here is a picture of brilliant writer and NOTORIOUS drunkard, Charles Bukowski:

They look like mother-fucking twins!!!  Come one, don’t you see it?!?!  Their heads are both tilted downward, their eyes are half-closed, their lips are pursed as if they’re sucking on an invisible whiskey bottle- they’re BOTH fucking drunk!!!  I see it!!!  Are you telling me that YOU don’t see it!!  Well, maybe I’m a little more boozed up than you are at this moment!!!  I’s been gettin’ my drink on and shit!!!  Maybe you just need to start sippin’ Old Grand-Dad like the Dave Man!!!  Heeeyyy, hey, what are you lookin’ at?!?!  Huh, pal?????  You lookin’ at ME?!?!?  You son of a bitch, wow, this Old Grand-Dad is kinda kickin’ in, you piece of shit, andf fidjfsdjghsdfdofko

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Speaking of booze, Olympic gold medalist snowboarder Shaun White has been busted for public intoxication and vandalism in Nashville.  Apparently he drunkenly pulled a fire alarm at some hotel he was staying at and then tried to kick some guy.  But the guy ended up shoving the “Flying Tomato” into a fence.  Come on, Shaun.  Pulling a fire alarm?  That’s all you got???  Shit, at Fordham University I lit a fucking Christmas tree on fire outside a nun’s house which ultimately led to my expulsion!  Trying to kick a guy?!?!  Shit man, I recently got hammered with Sally Struthers and cut off her fucking feet while she was driving; lead to her getting arrested for DWNF (driving with no feet)!!!  Getting pushed into a fence, Shaun????  Shitties dude, I once was decapitated at 7-11!!!!  MAN UP, Tomato!!!!

 

Major League Baseball is investigating the curious case of Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar, who for some reason had a gay slur written in Spanish on his eye-black in a game against the Red Sox (the phrase, “Tu ere maricon”, translates into “you’re a faggot”).  Meanwhile, well-known Sox fan, Elton John, wore his own eye-black in retaliation that read If Escobar Hates Gays So Much Why Did He Suck My Cock Last Night? Ohhhhhh!!!  I know what you’re thinking, “That was a very long message, David.”  Well, Elton John wears a SHITLOAD of eye-black!!!!  Look it up!!!  It’s on Wikipedia!!!  He covers his face in eye-black all the time!!  It’s fucking true!!!

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Usually Most Hated Man In Football- Mr. Referee.  Let’s face it, these replacement refs fucked up all kinds of shit this past week and we need the genuine officials back.  Even the players and coaches miss the REAL referees.  Meanwhile, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continues to fuck them over and lock them out.  Listen, the only lock out I wanna see anymore, Goodell, is the kind my wife does to me in our house when she finds me naked with a Mr. Potato Head (Darth Vader version) over my dick.  I’m sorry, honey!!!!!!!!!!!

See you homies later!!!

-Dave (9/18/12)