Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Tom Coughlin to Greg Schiano- “FUCK YOU, PENIS-FACE!” (9/17/12)

 

It’s your September Seventeenth Davey Mac Sports Report and the Giants and Bucs played a wild game yesterday in the Meadowlands.  The G-Men were down by 14 points in the second half when they mounted a frantic fourth quarter comeback.  Eli Manning threw for 510 yards as New York overcame Tampa, 41 to 34.  However, it is the last play of the game that is getting some press.  With only five seconds to go, the Giants were taking a knee to end the contest when the Bucs defensive line crashed into Eli and players on the offensive side of the ball.  Then, after the game, New York coach Tom Coughlin yelled at Tampa Bay coach Greg Schiano for what he perceived was a dirty play.  Coughlin said during the press conference:  “I told him that if he ever tried that again, I am gonna take a pen and stab him in the throat with it eight times until he ‘cries like a little girl.’  Then I’ll take his fucking head and stick it into a fucking vice and start cranking until his fuckin’ eye pops out!!!  THEN, I’ll take ice picks and shove them into his fucking balls!!!  And when Schiano screams out the name ‘Charlie M’, I’m gonna tell him, ‘You mother-fucker!!!  You made me pop your eye out of your fucking head for Charlie M?!?!’  …Incidentally, after the game you can all catch me in an off-Broadway play- Tom Coughlin Performs Martin Scorcese’s Casino.  It’s gonna be great!!!  And definitely a HELL of a lot better than Mike Tomlin Performs Kevin Smith’s Dogma.”

 

The Patriots were upset by the Cardinals yesterday- 20 to 18.  With seconds to go, Pats kicker Stephen Gostkowski absolutely shanked a field goal that would have given New England the win.  It must be hard being a kicker.  It’s a lonely position.  Plus, according to urban legend, most kickers have very small penises.  I don’t know where they did the study, but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate.  Also, when the real football players are practicing, most kickers just sit in the locker room, tasting their own cum.  That’s something I heard.  Again, I can’t prove it.  Also, my friend, Insane Pete, says that he once saw a kicker murdering a Chinese family in New York City and then putting the bodies in his van.  I believe it…I mean…it sounds like something a kicker would do…

 

In college football, Notre Dame has climbed all the way to Number Eleven in the nation after beating Michigan State over the weekend, 20 to 3.  The Irish next take on 18th-ranked Michigan on Saturday and I cannot fucking wait.  I’m gonna be on the air at Sirius XM Satellite Radio when the game begins and am pretty sure I’m gonna be drunker than Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers…or Dennis Hopper in Rumble Fish…or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider!!  Basically, I’m gonna be drunk and more fucked up than the entire filmography of Dennis Hopper wrapped up in a big bottle of tequila while I watch this Notre Dame game, LIVE on the air on Saturday, with booze running through my brain and beer pumping in my blood!!!  I can’t fucking wait!!!

 

In their three games this season, #1 Alabama has defeated Michigan by the score of 41 to 14; Western Kentucky- 35 to zero; Arkansas- 52 to fucking NOTHING.  They are beating the holy piss out of people.  Quite frankly, I’m pretty sure if we used Alabama to invade Iran right now we’d crush the shit out of that country in about six fucking days.  Then we could finally build Disney Tehran like we’ve always wanted to, and have all of our fat Americans invade the Middle East in order to wait three hours on a line for a roller coaster that they could have been on in FIFTEEN minutes at Great Adventure!!!

 

The Davey Player of the Day goes to Cam Newton, whose solid play led the Panthers over the Saints- 35 to 27.  The Saints are now 0 and 2 and are in a little bit of trouble.  Like my Uncle Butch.  Who put jizz in the pancake batter while working as a cook at Perkins.  Hope things work out, Butch!!!

See you folks, tomorrow!

-Dave (9/17/12)