It’s your September Thirteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and legendary UCONN men’s basketball coach Jim Calhoun has resigned. The man who is probably the most successful contemporary of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski’s is leaving the game at the age of 70. Calhoun won three National Championships, and had a way of yelling at referees like he was Carla Tortelli from Cheers, who could crudely berate people yet somehow have everyone like her. One ref said of Calhoun: “He once called me a pudgy dork when I called a traveling violation. It made me sad.” Another official stated of the UCONN coach: “Calhoun said that I was a ‘balding retard’ after one of his players fouled out. He then said that I probably ‘don’t have a dick.’ It hurt for, like, three months.” Yet another ref commented: “Calhoun once pointed at me and yelled, ‘Look, everyone! That zebra has man-tits! Nice, plump, juicy man-tits, Fatso!’ I’m still going to therapy for that one…”
Update on the Yankees-Orioles division race. Both teams won last night. Both teams are still tied for first place in the A.L. East. Update on the Davey Mac senior citizen race. “Old Man” Fitzgerald currently has taken a lead over Jim “Pops” Mahoney…but that’s only because “Old Man” smashed “Pops” in the brain with his cane. More updates to come.
Tonight the Bears take on the Packers in Green Bay. It’s Thursday Night Football!! And it’s a good game!! And I guarantee that in two months (just in time for Thanksgiving), we’ll be totally sick of football being play on Thursday’s. The NFL has never learned that “less is more”; unlike Keith Moon, who was such a great drummer that he decided to die rather than play another fucking snare drum. I always believe that less is more, which is why even though I could write brilliantly on this topic for paragr—
Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez, who have fought three close fights, have decided to lace up the boxing gloves for a FOURTH time in the ring. Says actor Michael Caine, “Hopefully the match will be better than Jaws 4!!!! Hahahaha!!! But seriously, Jaws 4 really fucking sucked!!! Hahahaha!! Jaws 4, more like This Movie Is Shitty!! Hahahah!! Thanks, everyone!! I’m Michael Caine, acting-comedian, so long!!!”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Willie Mays, who hit his 500th home run on this day in 1965. A special bonus DMPD goes to Willie Mays Hayes, who on this day in 1989 finger-cuffed Roger Dorn’s wife with Ricky Vaughn. Great job, guys!!