It’s your September Twelfth Davey Mac Sports Report and last night was not the most sizzling night for sports news but we’re gonna make the fucking best of it anyway, baby!! ‘Cause that’s what we fucking do here at the DMSR!! We make the best of things, but only when we’re not making the worst of things, and when we’re not trying to arm wrestle Fantastic Four’s The Thing, and usually when we’re sucking face with John Carpenter’s The Thing, and definitely when we’re tying up and tickling Howard Hawks’ The Thing!!!
Anyway, the Nationals’ 19-year-old phenom Bryce Harper had his first four-hit game in the Majors yesterday, as Washington beat the Mets, 5 to 3. And the baseball media is going crazy with excitement. Great. Let’s just put him in the fucking Hall of Fame already. Listen. I don’t know about you, but I NEVER count my chickens before they’re hatched. I count them once I’ve chopped their heads off and glued them together in hopes to make a home-made San Diego Chicken-Made-From-Real-Chicken-Heads costume for this Halloween. I love holidays.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has agreed to meet with the four players he suspended during the Saints bounty scandal. As the lawyer for one of the players, I have drafted a letter to Goodell on my client’s behalf:
Dear Mr. Goodell,
First let me start by introducing myself. My name is David McDonald and my fingers are a little cummy. Seriously. As a result, there probably is some cum residue on this letter, as I am the one who typed it, and mailed it to you. Thus, you are now touching the cum of a red-headed naked man from New Jersey. I am not a lawyer. In fact, this whole thing was a ruse to get you to touch my cum. FACE, David McDonald Phd.
PS- I am not a Phd, either. I added that last part so that you would touch some of my shit, that I put on the “P”.
The Davey Player of the Day goes to J.J. Hardy of the Orioles whose two home runs against the Rays led Baltimore to victory over Tampa, 9 to 2. With the win and a Yankees loss, the O’s and Yanks are once again tied for first in the A.L. East. I don’t know about you but J.J. Hardy sounds like the most American fucking name I’ve heard in years. It might as well be Chip Ass-Kicker or Jim These-Colors-Don’t-Run. Well done, Hardy!!