Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

Murray wins the U.S. Open!! Then gets slimed!! (9/11/12)

 

It’s your September Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and by capturing the U.S. Open, Andy Murray has won his very first Grand Slam tournament.  And in doing so, he has become the first British man (Murray is from Scotland) in 76 years to win a Major.  What I liked most about it the event was that Sean Connery was in attendance, cheering on his fellow Scotsman.  In fact, Connery regularly supports people from Scotland.

“He sits in the front row for every single one of my shows,” says Scottish talk show host Craig Ferguson.  “It’s really becoming uncomfortable.  He over-laughs at all of my jokes and I think I once heard him fart.”

“Connery’s been to all of our concerts,” states Garbage’s Shirley Manson (of Scotland).  “Once he tried to come on stage and sing ‘Stupid Girl’ with me.  But he was tackled by our security.  I think he was drunk.”

Says actor/comedian and Scotsman Billy Connolly- “I was on the set of Boondock Saints and, after a particularly difficult scene, I went back to my trailer and found Sean sitting on the floor with no clothes on, saying that he wanted to give me some ‘acting tips.’  I’m…I’m pretty sure he was drunk.”

 

Meanwhile, last night was a double-header of Monday Night Football.  In the first game, the Ravens pummeled the Bengals, 44 to 13.  In the second game, the Chargers beat the Raiders, 22 to 14.  I have to be honest, I’ll be watching these games today on my DVR, for I was viewing the U.S. Open.  OK?!  Is that cool with you?!  Shit, I’m fucking SORRY that I didn’t watch football yesterday, alright?!?!  But it’s not like I have three heads with which to watch three different sports events!!  And if I DID have three heads, I would most certainly put them to better use than that!!  I think that Head Number One would probably be some sort of gum connoisseur, testing out different varieties, from Hubba Bubba to Big League Chew.  Head Two would most likely concentrate on spitting at people.  And Head Tres (Spanish for “three”) would get fucked up on cheap booze and Oxycontin.  Davey Mac: The Three-Headed Kick-Ass Monster From Hell!!!  See this horror at a movie theater soon!!

 

The owner of the Astros says that there’s a possibility that Roger Clemens could return to Major League Baseball this season to pitch for Houston.  Clemens is now fifty fucking years old and hasn’t pitched in MLB in five years.  But shit, anything is possible, I guess.  I once saw an 87-year-old man throw a horse off a cliff.  Of course, I had pumped the elderly fucker with steroids and cocaine while he was sleeping, and had gotten the horse piss drunk.  But hey, I fucking won the bet that I had laid.  And Catman, you still owe me ten bucks!!

 

While on this day in 1985, Pete Rose broke Ty Cobb’s all-time hits record, I think 9/11 has a more significant meaning than what happened in the world of sports.  Thus, today’s Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to all the victims of those Al Qaeda shit-heads in the various attacks on this country in 2001.  And if I had my way, I’d make bin Laden drink my fucking piss.  Even if he IS dead now, I’m gonna make his corpse drink my sour, salty piss.  Anyway, we remember this day.  Peace.

-Dave (9/11/12)