It’s your September Tenth Davey Mac Sports Report and Peyton Manning is back, baby. And he’s throwing touchdowns and winnings football game. And he’s banging your mom and he’s banging my mom and he’s ripping the arms off of people and he’s suddenly speaking German and he’s baking Scandinavian children and he’s biting the head off an alligator and he’s BACK, baby. Manning was 19 of 26 passes for 253 yards and two touchdowns in last night’s game which saw Peyton’s Broncos beat the Steelers- 31 to 19. Meanwhile, the kid who is replacing him in Indianapolis, Andrew Luck, threw three interceptions as the Colts were crushed by the Bears- 41 to 21. Manning said in a press conference after the game- “We played well today. Oh, and also…Andrew Luck, you can now go and suck my ass. Suck it. Suck it nice and long. Suck that ass, Luck. Also, to Colts owner Jim Irsay, you can suck some of my ass, too. Go ahead. There’s plenty of Peyton ass to go around. Anyone who wants some can suck a little ass, dawg. Yeah. You know you want to. Suck that ass.”
Serena Williams defeated Victoria Azarenka yesterday in the U.S. Open Final to take her 15th career Grand Slam championship. While I feel good for Serena, I must admit, I fear her as well. I mean, I think Serena could squash my head like a fucking grape. And she probably would want to squash my head with all the smack talk I like to lay down. Shit, if we were playing Wii Tennis, I would take Serena to fucking school. Bam! Boom! Jlam! I must admit I can play the shitties out of Wii Tennis. I’m like a combination of John MacEnroe mixed with Roger Federer mized with Pete Sampras mixed with Luke Skywalker mixed with Gandalf the Grey mixed with He-Man mixed with Jesus. And thus, after I annihilated Serena, I would smack talk all kinds of shit. At which point, she’d turn around, and most likely squash my head like a grape. FIN.
The Redskins’ Robert Griffin III beat the Saints in his NFL debut, 40 to 32. Griffin threw for 320 yards and two touchdowns. I confess- I was very surprised that RG3 played this well in his first pro game. But then again, I was drunk as hell when I made my mistaken prediction- “RG3 will have a horrible game and will most likely have his dick ripped off by a Saints linebacker.” I was also drunk as hell when I said the following:
* “I just farted on my dad’s head.”
* “Who else find’s squirrels hot?”
* “Does anyone know where I can get some herpes medicine?”
* “Why does my ass feel like there are Jolly Ranchers in it?”
* Oh…there are Jolly Ranchers in my ass. How the shit did that happen?!?!”
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Mark Sanchez of the Jets, who threw 3 TD’s in New York’s 48 to 28 romp of the Bills. Tim Tebow saw a little action as well, but was booed by the New York crowd after not gaining many yards in the Wildcat offense. I am not a fan of the Jets organization but I have to give credit where credit is due. And since I am giving out credit, big ups to C. Thomas Howell for his performance as “Robert” in 1984′s Red Dawn. I know the credit seems long overdue, C. Thomas, but at least I’m giving it to you!! So don’t fucking complain!! I mean, it’s not like every other journalist is dying to give you credit, you ungrateful bastard!!! Well, fine, if you don’t want my credit then I fucking rescind it!!! Fuck YOU, you credit-less ingrate!!!!
See you tomorrow, Dave Pound!!
-Dave (9/10/12)