It’s your September Sixth Davey Mac Sports Report and Tony Romo and the Cowboys took it to the New York Giants last night in the first game of the NFL season (Dallas won, 24-17). Romo threw for 307 yards, with three touchdowns, completed 22 of—
—oh fuck it I can’t do this!! Look, I know the fucking guy played well, OK?! I’m fucking admitting it!!! What else do you want me to say?!?! Tony Romo played well!! There!! Better now?! I will tell you this, though- it doesn’t make him any less of a fucking douchebag!! What with the backwards hats, and the shit-eating grins, and the un-tucked shirts, and the three rape convictions, and the illegal performing of midnight abortions, and the building of a Meth lab that would put the Breaking Bad people to shame, and the murder of five Fraggles when high on PCP, and the cannibalization of Art Modell…Romo is STILL a fucking jerk!!! I don’t care WHAT you say!!!
And yes, in case you didn’t hear, that last part was true. Art Modell is dead at the age of 87. I mean, I can’t prove that Tony Romo ate the old bastard, but I have my suspicions. Anyway, Modell was the owner of the Baltimore Ravens but may best be remembered for ripping the heart out of Cleveland and moving the Browns to B’More. I suppose I should give my deepest sympathies to the Modell family…but instead I’ll say good riddance, you money-grubbing pig!!! Art Modell traumatized an entire city that, although they eventually got their Browns back, STILL hasn’t recovered to this day. For fuck’s sake, Halle “Born In Cleveland” Berry was so distraught from the Browns leaving, she ended up having sex with Billy Bob Thornton!!! Burgess “Mr. Cleveland” Meredith became so upset he fucking had a heart attack during a Clubber Lang fight!!! And Alan “Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and I’m from Cleveland” Ruck was so disturbed by the Browns’ exit that he tried to fucking drown himself in a God-Damned pool!!! In summation, FUCK YOU, Art Modell!!!!
After a radio host in Boston, Glenn Ordway, asked Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine if he has “checked out” of this awful Sox season, Valentine responded by saying that he would like to “punch (Ordway) right in the mouth.” Bam!!! Take THAT, Ordway!! Bobby V went on to say to Ordway: “Yeah!! I’d take your mouth and punch the FUCK out of it!! Then I’d take your head and shove into a shit-filled toilet eight or nine times!!! Yeah!!! THEN I’d take your dick and squeeze it with a pair of pliers until it turned purple and exploded!!! Yeah!!! Then I’d shove a fucking cobra up your ass while I’d draw a set of tits on your fore-head!!! Yeah!!! I’m Bobby FUCKING Valentine, Ordway, the ‘Toughest Man Alive’, and I’ll FUCK YOU UP HARD!!!”
With the Yankees beating the Rays yesterday, coupled with the Orioles losing to the Blue Jays, New York has regained sole possession of first place in the A.L. East. This pennant race is the unlikeliest thing that I have seen since Al Roker raped Wanda Sykes on the Today Show. That was some fucked-up shit, Al. I mean, Willard Scott would have never done that…oh, who am I kidding, they didn’t call Willard “The Rape Machine” for nothing!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to some tennis stiff named Tomas Berdych from Who-The-Fuck-Knows-Where City who took down the world’s greatest tennis player, Roger Federer, in a stunning upset at the U.S. Open last night. Congrats, Berdych. Now go back to your bullshit anonymous Eastern European country and get your fuckin’ shinebox!!!!
We’ll talk to you tomorry, Friendies!!!