Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

Hello, friends and neighbors!  This is the archive for some past phenomenal Davey Mac Reports!    Thanks, homies!

 

The NFL is BACK, baby!! It’s jizz time!! (9/5/12)

 

It’s your September Fifth Davey Mac Sports Report and thank Jesus the Lord Almighty- FOOTBALL is BACK.  TONIGHT.  The defending-champion New York Giants take on the Dallas Cowboys.  I am hard.  Please skip these next few sentences if you don’t want to hear this…

…but I am as hard as a fucking ROCK for this game tonight.  No, I take that back…I’m as hard as THE Rock for the game!  No, wait.  I’m as hard as THE Rock if he was in the movie “The Rock” with Nicolas Cage and was getting jerked off by former Montreal Expo Tim “Rock” Raines and the cast of “Third Rock From The Sun” was putting their fingers up all of our asses!!!  Then, I would jizz into Nicolas Cage’s eye and say, “…And keep the change, you filthy animal,” which would be a quote from the film “Home Alone” and wouldn’t make much sense, but I’ve run out of “rock” references…

…See?  I told you to skip those last few sentences.  You should have listened to me…

 

The Baltimore Orioles fucked up the Toronto Blue Jays last night- 12 to nothing- and in the process are now tied for first place with the Yankees in the A.L. East.  Damn.  I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming.  I mean, I’m usually great at prognostications.  After all, I accurately predicted that Kathy Ireland would use her success from “Necessary Roughness” to start her own line of furniture and would use the legs of one of her couches as a dildo while she sucked off a robot made to look like her former co-star Scott Bakula, and that she would stream all of this live on the Internet.  Bam!  Another prediction I fuckin’ nailed.

 

Penn State has reported that the university spent nearly $17 million to deal with the Jerry Sandusky child-sex scandal.  Christ almighty, that’s a lot of money that one guy caused an establishment.  Imagine if there was no Jerry Sandusky incident.  The university could have used all that dough to build a God-Damn Penn State Death Star if they wanted to.  Then they could have set the giant, Penn State Death Star laser gun on Sandusky’s dick and blown it to pieces.  BLAM!  Next, I would have targeted the studio where they shoot “Two And A Half Men”…’cause I can’t stand Ashton Kutcher.  KABLOOM!!!  Then, I would set the laser on Wayne Brady’s dumb, smiling head.  PABLOOOOWWW!!!  Lastly, and not specifically in this order, I would aim the laser at codfish (disgusting-tasting), Drew Carey (I want Bob Barker back), and my own porn collection (I get embarrassed throwing porn in the garbage).  BOOM!  GAZAAAAAM!  FLU-FLYYYYY!!!  That’s how I would have handled it.

 

The Miami Dolphins have released quarterback David Garrard, who was set to make $2.5 million if he was on the opening day roster.  Garrard has been sidelined due to a knee injury.  I feel bad for the guy.  He’s a decent QB but cannot stay healthy.  Kind of like Rock Hudson.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, Garrard doesn’t have AIDS.  I don’t want to be fucking sued here!!!  I’m not implying that this son of a bitch has AIDS!!  I was trying to imply that this son of a bitch is a decent person but if this son of a bitch wants to fight in court then fucking BRING IT ON, PUNK!!!!!  And now that I think about it, that was another fucking “rock” reference!!!!!!  FUCK!!!!  Angry Dave- over and out!!!

 

Andy Roddick’s match in the U.S. Open was suspended last night due to rain.  He is currently leading 1 to 0 in a first-set tie-breaker against Juan Martin del Potro.  I predicted on one of the Davey Mac Sports Program‘s that Roddick would definitely NOT make it to the semi-finals.  If I’m wrong, then I will eat my hat, my shoe, my left nipple, my dog, my Poo Diary, my stolen celebrity jizz-rag collection, and my hostage.  Maybe I’m just hungry…

 

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Al Pacino, who was THE STAR of the Davey Mac Sports Program “Drunken Given Sunday” show…which was our intoxicated tribute to the most fucked-up football movie ever.  NOW AVAILABLE on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!!  Check it out and let Al Pacino, whose breath I believe smells like garlic Triscuits, entertain you with his special haircuts and beautiful speeches!!  Oh, and Dave, Pepper, Roy Shaffer, and Sean O are there and are drunk and farty, too.  Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes for the shit!!!

See you tomorrow, homies!!

-Dave (9/5/12)