It’s your August Thirtieth Davey Mac Sports Report and the FBI has released a file regarding Joe Paterno in which they state that Paterno received many threatening letters over the years. Here’s a few of the letters the FBI is showing the public:
Dear Coach Paterno,
You should go by the name Joe Camel because your God-Damned nose is bigger than that smoking animal-asshole’s shnoz, for crying out loud, and he’s a fucking CARTOON!! Hey Paterno, is that a nose on your face or a God-Damned baby’s head?! My Lord, man!! Hey Paterno, Earth called! It said it’s running out of oxygen due to your freakishly gigantic nose sucking in all the God-Damned air!
Signed, Don Rickles
Dear Joe Pa,
Can you ask Jerry Sandusky if he has any extra dildo’s lying around? Thanks, silly-billy!
Sincerely, Andy Dick
My ass really hurts. You know, I’ve really come to have a distaste for prison-rape! Anyway…Happy Labor Day, buddy!
Your Friend, Jerry Sandusky
The Nationals’ Bryce Harper hit two home runs yesterday before getting thrown out of the game for slamming his helmet to the ground after he hit into a double play. In my opinion, I don’t think Harper should have been ejected. He was clearly angry at himself and not the call at first base. In my opinion, the umpire acted like an asshole. In my opinion, I think the way we look at pets specifically and the world in general would change tremendously if cats and dogs could be trained to talk like humans. In my opinion, we’d stop masturbating in front of them. That is a fucking fact. Also, we probably wouldn’t allow them to see us shit. In my opinion, if cats and dogs spoke English, they’d never shut the fuck up about what horrible God-Damn animals human beings are. And then, in my opinion, there would probably be a World War III between all the humans on the planet vs. all the cats and dogs and, in my opinion, there’d be fucking carnage all over the place!!!!
The National Football League has announced that they will use replacement officials to work the first week of games while the NFL referees continue to strike. SCABS!!!! Fucking SCABS!!!! Go FUCK yourself, SCABS!!!! My daddy was a union man, you sons of bitches!!!! My daddy didn’t get up at 2:30 in the morning just so you SCABS could take his job, you cock-suckers!!! My Daddy didn’t break his legs, workin’ on the railroad, just so’s these fuckin’ SCABS could come in and replace him!!!!!
…ok, fine…you got me…my daddy wasn’t a union man. He was a vice-president at a rather large pharmaceuticals company…and we lived comfortably…
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former All-American Notre Dame running back and current radio broadcaster for the Irish, Allen Pinkett, who said that it was a positive thing that Notre Dame had to suspend a few of their players this year because when one “looks at the teams that have won in the past, they have always had a couple of criminals…I’ve always felt like to have a successful team you’ve got to have a few bad citizens on the team.” In related news, Pinkett also said that his favorite team of all time was the 1942 Berlin Fighting Nazi’s football team, who went 14 and 2 in league play and also killed a lot of people.