It’s your August Twenty-Eighth Davey Mac Sports Report and the U.S. Open kicked off yesterday. Roger Federer and Andy Murray both won easily in their respective matches. I went to the U.S. Open once when I was about 12 years old. It was fun. Until I ran into Pete Sampras. I asked him for an autograph and his response was- “Get away from me, kid.”
…get away from me, kid?!?!??! That’s how a measly tennis player answers a child who wants his fucking autograph?!?! What a piece of shit!!! I mean, tennis is what, America’s seventh or eighth most popular fucking sport?!?! And this scumbag can’t give Mini-Davey Mac his damned signature on my dumb fucking Adidas hat?!?! Well, don’t think that I’ve forgotten about this, Sampras!!! You’re on my LIST, buddy!!! Along with Al Roker, Jeff Goldblum, Dave Winfield, and Alex Trebek!!! You’re on the fucking LIST, pal, you better watch your God-Damned back!!!!!
The Bills have cut Vince Young. The former NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year has seen his career rapidly descend since 2007. Times have gotten so bad for Young, in fact, that he was recently spotted in Texas jerking off cows for a company called “Uncle Larry’s Cow Jizz.” No…I’m just kidding. But things have gotten so bad for him that Young was seen charging football mascots ten bucks to allow them to blow him. The Chicago Bear apparently visited him four times. Nah…I’m just jokin’. But seriously, things have gotten so bad for Young that the only way he can make money these days is by joining the Jim Rose Circus and becoming Vincy the Dick-Cutting Quarterback, where he chops his own and other people’s cocks off. And I’m pretty sure that last one is true…but then again…I’m drunk.
Penn State officials say that they will not continue their tradition of playing Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” at home games because the lyrics (“Touching you, touching me”) could be linked to pedophile Jerry Sandusky. That’s smart. I suggest playing “Touch Me” by the Doors instead…no wait…nevermind. Maybe “We Fuck Kids In The Shower” by Heart…nope…that won’t work…geez, this is harder than you think. What about “The Defensive Coordinator Rapes Children” by the Beatles…I don’t know…oh! How about “I Really Love The Fuck Out Of NAMBLA!” by Tom Jones. Yeah!!! That’s the one!!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Texas Rangers’ Adrian Beltre, who went three for three with a home run last night against Tampa Bay as the Rangers beat the Rays- 6 to 5. In his last eight games, Beltre has also homered three times in one game, and hit for the cycle in another. The only thing one can negatively say about Beltre is that his name is Adrian. Unless you’re married to Rocky, Beltre, we don’t care for your fucking name!! This world is only big enough for ONE “Adrian” and her last name is fucking Balboa!! And, yes, that includes YOU, too, Adrian Brody!!! The both a ya’s are now on my God-Damned LIST!!!