It’s your August Twenty-Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the New York Jets have become the first NFL team in thirty-five years to fail to score a touchdown in their first three preseason games. I know that it’s only preseason, and Jets fans may believe that it is not time to panic…but in this experienced journalist’s opinion…panic, Jets Fans, fucking panic!!!! Build a fucking bomb shelter underneath your houses and avoid the fucking upcoming football season as if it were a God-Damn nuclear bomb that was about to be detonated by a drunk Bill Belichick!!! Stock up on weapons and canned goods as if Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are gonna create some sort of Y2K Doomsday scenario that will leave millions of Jets fans abandoned and exposed…ready to be shot in the fucking head and then posthumously raped by hordes of AFC barbarians!!! Come up with some sort of survival strategy for this Football Apocalypse…hey, maybe you can offer Fireman Ed up to the cannibalistic Raiders fans as a show of good fucking faith!!! I don’t know!! But whatever you do, Jets Fans, make sure you fucking PANIC!!!!
The Little League team from Japan beat the team from Tennessee yesterday in the finals of the Little League World Series, 12 to 2. One Japanese boy, Noriatsu Osaka, hit three homers and a triple in the game. I don’t know about you, but if I were a scout, I’d sign the kid right fucking now. Then I’d bring him over to our country and let him stay at our house, where I would feed him eight to ten hamburgers a day. Then I’d gradually increase the hamburger total to hopefully 40 hamburgers in an hour. And when he was 16, and weighing at 650 pounds with the ability to eat 42 hamburgers in one sitting, he would probably ask, “Mr. David, when are we going to play some baseball?” At which point I’d turn to him and say, “We aren’t, kid. I’m a hamburger-eating-championships scout. Your baseball days are through.” He’d probably start crying then…but I’d shove a hamburger in his mouth to quiet him down so I can get some God-Damn sleep…
The Seattle Seahawks have cut Terrell Owens from their team. This means that T.O. and Ochocinco are out of the NFL currently. In an unprecedented move, this journalist has decided to extend an invitation to them for my Wiffle Ball tournament this Saturday (Davey Mac Wiffle Ball Tourney). But I demand that BOTH men wear funny, red wigs in my honor. Also in my honor, they should be slightly intoxicated. Furthermore in my honor, T.O. and Ocho should throw the bat out of anger towards the “kids area” in disgust after making an out. The bat will then nearly hit a baby…at which point people will start screaming that the game is “too competitive” and “not fun” and we will play the three remaining innings in uncomfortable silence…the only sound being the far-away crying of a toddler who is frightened by the “strange group of scary people” as he points at us sadly.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Peyton Manning who threw his first two Bronco touchdowns yesterday…though I personally would have been more impressed had he thrown two actual broncos instead. You know, maybe he did an extra-strong shot of steroids and picked up a horse and threw him threw the fucking uprights for a field goal. Then, maybe Peyton could have snorted a line of coke and chucked the other horse out of the God-Damn stadium. Denver 10 – dumb, untrained horses nothing.
See you later, Dave Pound!!