It’s your August Twenty-Fourth Davey Mac Sports Report and Lance Armstrong is done with cycling and all these bastards who keep claiming that he used performance-enhancing drugs to win 7 Tour de France titles. He has decided to stop fighting everyone and will instead concentrate on his foundation work. In other words, “Fuck you, I’m outta here.” By making this move, the United States Anti-Doping Agency said that they will most likely strip Armstrong of his championships. Armstrong has always denied using any kind of drugs. In a statement, he wrote: “I cannot think straight because of the malicious rumors the USADA is saying about me and…shit, I really could use some steroids right now…I mean…ha…haha…obviously I do NOT take steroids…but if I did…I’d inject them right into my fucking fore-head and go on an Incredible Hulk path of destruction and anarchy…tearing these doping agency-pussies’ fucking heads off and popping them into my mouth like they were a fucking bowl of cherries and WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY STEROIDS AT…NOT THAT I FUCKING DO STEROIDS…BUT IS ANYONE FUCKING HOLDING?!?! HUH?!?! I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR SOME FUCKING STEROIDS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
Former Eagles running back and Hall-Of-Famer Steve Van Buren has died at the age of 91. Van Buren played football in the ’40′s and ’50′s, where defensive players were allowed to play a significantly rougher style. Linebackers were allowed to clothes-line tailbacks, linemen could get away with taking out a bazooka and firing a missile at the quarterback’s head until it exploded like a Gallagher watermelon, cornerbacks were permitted to make a flesh-eating vat of acid that they would dump on a wide receiver’s face when he went up for a catch, and safety’s often kept pet Velociraptors and would release them to devour referees who got in the way. Yep…it was a different game back then.
I was perusing through Twitter and noticed that Julia Roberts has a verified account in which she has garnered over 460,000 followers and yet she has tweeted exactly zero times!!! Well this is a formal declaration of WAR against “America’s Sweetheart”!!! If you don’t start tweeting and tweeting A LOT, Julia, then I will personally make sure that your next three movies are box office bombs, lady!!! Trust me!!! I have power, missus!!! “Don’t fuck with the Dave Man” is what the following people disregarded and look at how karma bit them in the ass:
* Robert Pattinson- slutty girlfriend cheated on him
* Phyllis Diller- was shot dead last night
* The lady whose face was eaten by a chimp- had her face eaten by a chimp
See? Do you see who you’re fucking with, Julia?!?! Now start tweeting, bitch, OR ELSE!!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to YOU the Davey Mac supporter. As the summer winds down, I thank you for reading these asinine Reports and listen to the Davey Mac Sports Program(s) on iTunes and Sirius XM Satellite Radio! We have a new, LIVE, spectacular show on Saturday on Sirius XM at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific…so we’ll see you then! Peace!! PS- My ass really hurts. I have shit no less than 12 times since yesterday afternoon. I think I ate raw chicken (again).